My Guy

GUY IS HERE GUY IS HERE GUY IS HERE

when we were going to pick him up, I thought I was going to puke my pita pit. mmm pita pit.

but he's here now and i can't believe how happy I am.

unos dibujos buenos en mi nuevo cuaderno.

Es Buen Practica, Ok?

mi gallo está viniendo mañana. wooo!

jes y yo fuimos de compras por todo el dia hoy. Visitamos como... 6 lugares incluyendo el almuerzo a Krency's donde comimos comida gratis gracias a Breck. le quiero breck. supuestamente, breck ha quierdo ser un parte de los SMF desde tenía 15 años. ya ya ya... devolví muchísimas cosas a Gap, Claire's y WalMart y Jes y yo tuvimos certificados de regalo a Old Navy y Target respectivamente.Jes compró botas y su cámara digital nueva. Breck nos acompañó a PaperMart para compar los adornos para la fiesta del año nuevo. todo es metálico. Compré un Moleskine como Jes y empecé a dibujar y escribir citas de la noche. Me gustan mis dibujos hasta el momento.

adam pasó tiempo con nosotros esta noche! hooray!

hicimos videos musicales. shit.

En Español

estaba disfrutando mi tiempo a casa con mi mama y mis amigos. es un poquito loco que estoy aqui en los estados unidos y no en mexico. le extraño guy mucho y no puedo esperar más a su regreso a mi lado. a pasar tiempo con él y mis amigos será increible. A ver sus interacciones y cual parecidos tengan. EEP! No tengo problema con la amiga de Guy, Alex, pero ella quiere más tiempo con él (que él les acompaña a NYC, algo así) que quitaría mi tiempo con mi novio. Sí, soy egoísta, pero no soy una ciudadana de inglaterra, por eso, no puedo visitarle en cuba (gracias embargo) y no vivo en el mismo país y mucho menos el mismo ciudad para verle cuandoquiera. Quiero tanto tiempo como que pueda tener. Así no importa. Él va a venir el domingo a las 6 en la noche.

Voy a empezar un programa de salud y mejor personal en general, se llama Maggie 4.0. Cada siete años, el cuerpo ha regenerado todo de las celulas. Es decir que está una persona completamente diferente fisicamente. Por lo tanto, quiero que mi cuarto cuerpo o epoca de mi vida sea la epoca de la salud mejor y los hábitos buenos. Necesito comprar un cuaderno para escribir listas, projectos etc y para dibujar que es bastante pequeño que puedo llevarle conmigo la mayoria del tiempo.

metas:
obra de arte cada semana
ejercicio diario
dieta saludable y regular
ética laboral (trabajo antes de la diversion)
practica mi español

ya ya es bueno

platiqué con noah hoy. me alegró mucho especialmente para oír como estaban los amigos y que pasó durante mi tiempo afuera.

What Do You See When You Turn Out The Light?

Dear lord in heaven, I haven't posted but once while I was in Mexico. Internet became a hot commodity. I was always thinking, "what do I have to do? what needs getting done?". The blog, sadly, was at the bottom of the list... especially because the computers at the EEE (escuela para estudiantes extranjeros) blocked this site and myspace. The EEE was kind of a joke. My classes were so easy that I think my brain stopped function and I felt like i was wasting my time. Everyone in my class was a foreigner who probably spoke good english so there wasn't a lot of interaction with real mexican students, especially since the EEE was pretty far from the actual UV campuses. I did learn in my history class though. I know my teacher, Mauricio, didn't think that he was doing a good job with a bunch of foreigners, but I really enjoyed what I learned and thought he was a cool guy. My spanish still sucks though.

life was good in mexico. xalapa is trying to be the little city that could. it's fairly safe, except those zetas (where were they anyway?), but it's like never ending tightly packed suburbia... there really is no true center unless you count that parque juarez is close to the cathedral and a plaza about the size of a basketball court. But it became mundane and in being so, was a sort of home. I had two houses- the one with my family in a neighborhood tucked by the satellite University of Veracruz campus for the humanities and guy's- a little apartment up an off ramp, across railroad tracks, up a flight of stairs and through a white metal gate. Guy slept in a little shack attached to the living room. Melen and Simon (the frenchies) slept in an actual bedroom that had hairy white mold on the wall and led to the shower. I cooked a lot at Guy's house. He had to convince me twice, but I did fall in love with him. I told jake that I finally feel like I'm in a reciprocal relationship and it's amazing. We both were looking for somone that was sane and would make us feel sane. He's my funny love. I don't know what I'm going to do when he's in Cuba and I won't be able to talk to him let alone see him for months and months... maybe years. Where it will go, nobody knows.

My house family was amazing. I feel like they could have been my real family/were my family. Lidia, my host mom, would dance and cook. We'd talk about politics, buddhism and family. My host sisters, Marce, 19, and Tani, 16, were great. I gave them english classes sometimes on pronunciation and told them about the history of ska. My host dad wasn't around a lot because he had to work. I don't know how great our relationship was because I would be gone a lot with Guy and I don't think he approved/I didn't always express myself correctly therefore I think he got some twisted ideas about my ideas, especially about politics and society. overall, I loved them to pieces and was so glad to be able to live with them and get to know them. I want to stay in contact and see them again.

I'm having trouble sometimes remembering easy english words that were natural to spit out in spanish. I was addressing people at the airport in spanish.

But dear god, it's good to be home.

Asomecha

So, I haven't posted since I left for Mexico... shit. So much has happened. The stupid computers here at the EEE/UV sometimes won't let me onto blogger so I haven't even tried lately until today.

Where to start?

When I hang out here in Xalapa, a lot of the times, I'm the only American. It's usually Canadians, French, and an Englishman named Guy. My best friend from my ISA group works for the government and all I eat is cheese and tortillas.

I was hooking up with a Frenchman until he told me he had a girlfriend. Get this-

we are lying in bed in the morning. He is super affectionate and doting. Then he asks me if I have a boyfriend in the States. Um, no... Then I realize, shit. I know where this is going. Long story short, he is in love with his girl in France but can't go a year without "love". He did write me an apology on facebook and we attempted to hang out one night but ever since I haven't heard hide nor hair from the kid.

Instead... Guy has a huge crush on me and I've just been letting it happen. He's super amazing but there is no real physical attraction on my side. It sucks especially because we are such great friends and he likes me so much. I feel like I'm fooling myself and him.

I got my nose pierced again and am planning on a new tatt. yeehaw!

I often feel very stupid. I can't express myself in spanish very well and I have to remind myself that I am an intelligent woman who can be very eloquent with her words. (not that I necessarily transmit that in this blog) I wish my spanish was better... I know that I need to spend more time in Mexico away from so many english speakers, but it's hard and I have so much to do when I get home. I miss my friends and eating vegetables.

I definitely haven't been smoking that much... instead I am a wine-o. Tomorrow, as usual, I will go with Ellen to Postodoro to eat pizza and drink wine. Also, we'll take in the view- Uriel, the cutest damn thing you've ever seen- our favorite waiter.

Harrison emailed me the other day and said that he has a "heavy and auspicious relic" for me. Ugh... what is this? I really haven't stopped thinking about him. I'll forget for awhile but then something like this happens and POOF! I'm making up scenarios again. I guess just like Scott Sierzega, the ones that really crush my soul are the ones I can't let go. I have been thinking about Mac as well. He's definitely a person I could see myself with, but I'm not going to dwell on the fact. Who knows what will happen.

My dad is still in the nursing home. He had to have a bypass in his leg. I just want him to get out of the hospital so he can actually recuperate.

Goodbye Manifesto

I'm leaving for mexico in less than 7 hours. holy fucking shit.

My throat is clenched shut but still moist despite the sore throat I feel coming on... I've been slowly seeing the signs of a cold brewing for awhile now and I think it's finally settling in. Sneezing and hacking up globs of clear gooey snot that was trying to coat my throat. I'm sure that my immunity is down because of my stress. When I did theatre, I was never nervous until I got backstage and the lights went out. Anxiety would grip me as I waited in the wings for my cue, but when I stepped on stage, there was never any fear about how I would perform or the successes or failures we would make... I was confident and went with the flow. It's happening again now. I'm biding my time until I pass through security and I'm on my way... biding my time with a heavy chest and aching mind.

My mom keeps telling me to come to bed... I know that I won't sleep. There are still things left to do that I've been putting off. I never wrote those thank you cards. I never printed out the pictures that I want to hang on my wall in my new Mexican room. My computer is obviously not packed away in my book bag. Maybe I should try for just a few hours of sleep. Run around in the morning getting those knit picky things done. I can always send thank yous from Mexico. Hell, they might feel more gratitude if I took the time to mail it from a foreign country. Can sentiment and gratitude be augmented by distance? Reminds me of frequent flyer miles for some reason except with emotion.

What scares me the most about this particular adventure of mine, is that I have no safety net. I've gone away before, but always with someone I knew well. Maria is starting university in Nurnberg. Heather is somewhere... god knows. Will I find someone to be friends with? Someone that I want as my friend and not just because I am friendly? It's the same feeling I have with family. It was so wonderful to meet Sarah because I feel like she is a family member that if I met "in the wild", I would befriend. Will the people in my group become my friends only because they are in my group? I hope not!

I always feel stupid and pretentious when I think of my next statement... but I imagine that it's essentially true for all people--
I'm an offbeat person with a lot of interests that your average joe is not so hip on. Between my music and political leanings- I usually lose people. I find people that align with me, but I acknowledge that we are definitely a minority in this country. But I guess, what is a typical American like? This all comes back to my family reference above. Sarah, my mom, my cousin Lisa and I are definitely the oddballs of the family. The artsy ones- free spirited and whatever you want to call it. I've always felt like an anomaly in my family. Well... whatever.

Mallku messaged me. He's in California. I wonder if school in Lima didn't pan out. I hope that he hooks up with Heather and then they both come out to the east coast in December to visit. I owe it to Mallku to show him a great time. He was a big reason why Peru was so wonderful. Without him... things would have been terribly bland.

I also talked to Dominique tonight. Her story is an interesting one but she always plays a victim to circumstance. I feel like I need to be careful.

Obama/Biden '08

Last Hoorahs

I had my going away party this weekend. Man, it's weird to feel the departure looming. I'm looking at people for the last time (at least for the next few months). There's so much I have left to do. I'm almost done packing really... just organizing it better. I try not to think about it.

The party was a lot of fun. Family, young ones, old ones... my punk ass friends... we played twister & piñata, chowed down, chilled and got pretty silly...







I did invite the Goldsmiths, but they didn't come. I guess this past Thursday was my last time watching the kids, and I didn't really realize it. I did take my camera- here are my special favorites...





I'm really going to miss them. They were such a joy to watch. I promised that I'd send a postcard from Mexico on Andre and Carla's birthdays. I can't forget.

Jes turned me on to a new "comic"/comedy site- wherearethedogshumping.com

Check it out...






and this is a sweet blacklight tattoo I saw... guess blacklight ink could be carcinogenic... contain phosphorus and other lovely chemicals and allergens. I'm not a raver so I don't go under blacklight that often... I guess, I'll opt out for now.

Water You Serious?

In the August issue of Allure magazine, I found an interesting factoid on page 179-- "Campaign strategists found that Democrats are more apt to drink Evian, while Republicans prefer Fiji". Hmm... I wonder why? A better question may be, who cares?

*Americans drink roughly 29.3 gallons of bottled water a year that means over 8.8 BILLION gallons of bottled water total, making the US the largest consumer of bottled water followed by Mexico, 5.9 billion; China, 4.8 billion and Brazil 3.6 billion gallons. 96% of bottled water consumed in the US is domestic non-sparkling with only 2% of our bottled water being imported. All this when the United States has some of the best water treatment in the world.

I, personally, refill a glass bottle with water when I go out. At school, I keep a Nalgene of tap water in my refridgerator. Not only is drinking bottled water seemingly pointless when you think of water quality, but think of how wasteful and harmful to the environment!

Get educated people, here's a great article- Bottles, Bottles, Everywhere by Ramon Cruz

here's a fantastic quote from the article- "Tap water is delivered to homes and offices for $0.002 a gallon. Bottled water, which can cost as much per gallon as gasoline, is a thousand times more expensive."

make sure you look at netpromoguy's comment at the bottom of the article, he brings up a good point about the BPA and other chemical toxins that leak into our food, drinks, and air from plastics.


*stats from the beverage marketing corporation

11 Days Until Departure

Ok ok ok... a lot to talk about.

Deerhunter on the 10th was absolutely amazing. Everyone was packed up by the stage in a thick layer of sweat. I was a little peeved that a tall blonde guy was pogoing right in front of me, but he quieted down after I told him that a 50 cent piece sized stain had formed on his back... I could only assume was blood. His response? To put on another shirt. I had heard that they weren't going to perform Cryptograms anymore, but hooray! they did! Ending the show with Strange Lights made me ecstatic! My second time seeing the full group, third seeing Bradford and everytime I'm left fulfilled.

On Thursday, i went into the city to visit Missy, Emily and Mac. Jason was supposed to come with me but ended up bailing. There was terrible traffic because of a Pirates game to boot. It was so nice to hang out with Mac on his last night in the city before he went back to Corry before school though. A bunch of his friends were over and we were all eating pizza and drinking wine or beer.

Emily finally got to meet Mac and really liked him (as was expected). Emily has decided to leave AIP early- after two more quarters, she'll get her associates in Photography then she wants to go to an academic school. Her parents are cool with it as long as she goes in PA or VA. That means no New York Emily for me. :( She is definitely on my wave length and I feel like I can truly be myself with her. I'm so terribly going to miss her when I'm gone.

Driving home from Mac's was a bad idea since I was so tired. I thought that I was going to pass out the whole way. I know that I could have just stayed at Mac's but I was under the impression that I was going to wake up the next morning and go to work (I didn't). I love Mac. Maybe my momma will be right oneday.

So, I don't know. This past friday was just terrible for my soul. Jake, Jason, and I were jamming and I just couldn't get into it. I was missing my bass (my true jamming instrument of choice) and was not into playing the tambourine anymore. So... push comes to shove, I ask Jason to take me up to my house so that I can eat some dinner. 45 minutes later, I'm done eating and Jason calls. Story is, Emma is going to Pittsburgh and Jason and Jake really want to go. Problem is, Emma can only fit four people in her car and she has Brandon with her already. So, only two other people can go. What is a person supposed to say to that? I would have liked to go into the city, especially since I wouldn't have to drive by myself like the night before, but I ended up staying at home embroidering and watching terrible television programming. I cried for hours before I finally fell asleep.

My time in Canonsburg is limited. Very limited. I leave for Mexico on the 29th but after that, well, I'll be around in the winter, but who knows after that. I have to get an internship next summer (should have been doing that this summer) and my best bets are in NYC NOT Pittsburgh. All I want to do is spend some quality time with my friends and I get ditched even though Jason said he didn't want me to feel like I was getting ditched.

Jason asked me if I wanted to hang out on Saturday, but oh hey, I went into the city to hang out on Mt. Woo with the Ruxton kids. Katie Gould left on Sunday to go back to Youngstown because she'll be attending Youngstown U for painting. We got the peace pipe out and Jess rolled the fattest blunt I've ever seen. I gave Emily a killer shotgun with five dragon's breaths. It ended up to be a late night, I guess we didn't get back until 3 am.

My last full week in the US of A. crazy.

I've really gotten into the whole podcast and iTunes U stuff. I like watching lectures on philosophy and buddhism. I'm an insatiable student, I guess.

Emotional People

Man, the universe sends me messages, and I read them. Either I'll be thinking about someone that I haven't heard from in a long time, I'll get some weird dream about them, or I'll find something relating to them- low and behold!! they contact me! It's happened with Mallku, Scott Sierzega and now, Noah Chilton. Yesterday I was about to sign into my blog when I noticed that in the username field was Noah's email. Weird. Strange. How did that happen? Well, today, he calls me! It was so nice to hear his voice and hear what has been going on in Seattle. I hope that we stay friends so that I can be an aunt to his children like he asked back at school.

If I marry someone with siblings, then I could possibly be an aunt. Otherwise, well, no aunthood for me. I missed having siblings as a child. I was always alone when I was at home. My mom and grandparents were always working or busy with this or that. I would just retreat into my imagination, draw, play with my Barbies, talk to birds. I think that is partially why my mom and I have been grating on each other lately. We aren't used to being around each other this much. In school I was always doing band, theatre or working and she was working two jobs at the time herself. I'm used to being around my peers at school. I'm used to being by myself. I'm also just feeling frustrated with my future. I don't know if anything that I've done so far or am planning to do is actually pushing towards the future I've begun to imagine. I don't even know what my future will really end up being. I'm considering finishing Vassar and going to a technical school. HA. A fancy education just to get a certificate in welding, carpentry or electronics. But who knows. Maybe I'll end up in New York working at a magazine. I really have to stop thinking about it because I feel like I'm blinding myself to the present moment.

Harrison got on the phone after Noah. He's going to hitch hike through Latin American to Argentina where Kevin's sister will be studying. He got me so worried. I know he and Kevin hiked across China, but Latin America is a slightly different story that involves DRUG CARTELS. I told him, Mexico through Central America and down through the north of South America will be the scary part. There's your best bet at getting mugged, kidnapped etc. If he got to Peru, I think he'd be alright. Travelling in a group of very American college age boys who don't know any Spanish will only get them into trouble. I'm still having difficulty moving on completely from him too. I know that the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference, and I'm definitely not indifferent to him. It would take a miracle for me to ever want him again (most likely vice versa as well), but my thoughts keep racing back and forth about what happened and will happen. Fern is coming with Geneva to Seattle. I wonder what the story is there. I wonder if he moved on from that phase too. Ugh.



I can't get close to Fern for certain reasons. 1) She was an ally when shit was going down with Harrison. We used to talk about a lot of things including how she wasn't going to settle for anyone to just date. She didn't want to date Harry because he was socially awkward. So when she and Harrison were hooking up, I can't help if I felt a little betrayed. (see above illustration)
2) Her conduct in relation to friends/lovers reminds me of Dominique. There is no need to elaborate.

Speaking of D, she emailed Jes and said that she's moving back to Pittsburgh and wants to hang out. We have to keep her far far away from Jason. I just hope that our precautions are unnecessary and both of them keep their distance. I don't want to be siamese twins again- I just want to touch base and see how the person I spent every minute of two very developmental years with is doing.

Treeeeeeeeees

My toby trees are being EATEN!!!! I know that the Catawba Sphinx moth is just fueling up as a caterpillar to metamorphose, but I love my trees and don't like to see them being ingested and pooped out while I'm trying to enjoy their canopy! I'm just very protective of my plants. Onetime, my mother did some serious pruning to my Toby tree without my consultation or approval and I flipped shit at her for it. I know that pruning helps give them a better shape and makes branches hardier, but I just couldn't stand knowing that a piece of them had been chopped off. Maybe it's because when I was young,

Bad Jam

I'm at Jake's right now. I was very excited to record with Jason today. Do a handclap maybe? But alas, Jon is jamming with us today which means that the Birds & Bees EP was put on hold because, well... jamming with Jon usually results in little cohesion. Especially considering that we've been laying tracks indiviually so far for the project, it's made the thought of recording worthless. I'm not dissing Jon in anyway... my musical brain needs more of a driving force and Jon is more oriented towards straight up noise. I was hearing some stuff that gave me ideas for songs though. So that's good.

I wish I had an affectionate cat.

Gene Pool

pictures of family fun in Charlevoix, Michigan.

Elliot Smith = Omen?

amusing from my Lastfm

Photosynthesis

People seem to have a tough time reading this one. Chemical reactions are strangely enjoyable to me, I don't know why. Chemistry was always my favorite science. It exists on the appropriate scale for me. Biology is too large- observable by the naked eye. Physics? Well, sometimes you can't even observe it depending on how many dimensions and blah blah blah. Chemistry is right in the middle. Born of Biology and mother to Physics. All we are are swirling atoms and chemical reactions. Just like everything else.


http://jeremyengleman.deviantart.com/

^ really fantastic 3D digital painter. Check out his sushi and the image "Nape of a Woman's Neck"


Yesterday, Jake and I started laying some tracks for the EP. The first piece is sounding pretty sweet. It's got a nice bohemian groove to it. I have to do a lot of editing and such, but it will be nice to have at least one song finished by the end of the summer.

Babysitting last night, the littlest, Alexa, wanted to get up on my shoulders. I squatted down and she got onto my back. As I was standing up, she tumbled over my head to the kitchen floor. My heart was pounding and I got light headed. She hit her chin, nothing broken or bleeding. I felt so bad. She was definitely angry at me for the rest of the night.

After work, I went to Jon's and watched "Intensity" featuring John C McGinley as a psycho killer. All I could think of was Dr. Perry Cox. hahaha. The movie was the kind where it was so ridiculous that you had to see how it ended even though it was a two part made-for-tv movie--90 minutes for each installment. I hate watching movies like that though. The people are always such idiots. Why do they take their time? Why do they never call the police?

First Impression

To Harrison after a conversation about Jimi Hendrix. We were noting that we are reaching the "age" when we'll either become somebody notable or remain below the radar. Maybe it's normal to want to achieve some kind of notoriety, but I've always felt like I'd be known for something. All my teachers in school since elementary would say, "I'll see you when you're famous!". Coworkers would say, "Please remember me when you open a gallery or something. I want to be there to see it." My mom thinks I'll do something analytical. Everyone assumes I'm an artist. Identity issues again. I'm just myself.

Today was a pretty good day. Babysitting was awesome as usual. Man, I don't want to leave my kids when I have them. I want to play with them all day long. They will be such eggheads. Always reading. Imagining. I hope at least.

Weeds tonight. So happy that Showtime is airing season two of Dexter on Sunday nights. I need to catch up before I miss the third season since I'll be in Mexico.

Domestic

this is probably one of my favorite drawings I did in the "Religion and Sexuality" collection which was the notebook Harrison gave me after he dropped said class. I'll slowly be uploading most of the other drawings which I've decided are just sketches to paper layering pieces I plan on doing at some point in the near future.

Matmos!

Friday was Matmos at the Warhol. Jon and I drove in the worst Pirates game traffic which meant, of course, that there was no street parking on the north side. BTW, if you go to the Warhol lot and they ask you, "Ball Game?" and you say "Nope, trying to go to the Warhol", you only pay $6 instead of the $12 event parking price.

Another wonderful highlight of the drive into the city was getting rear ended by a guy with "Rebel Pride" on his SUV. There was no damage.

Jon and I walked around the galleries before the show. Piet Mondrian's pieces from what I will call his "transitional" phase are definitely my favorite. His earlier work is completely reminiscent of Van Gogh with his use of color and natural- light filled subjects. He started to move towards abstraction, influenced by cubism. It is this inbetween step before he settles on his more recognizable flat primary colored panels that I truly enjoy. He finds a way to use simpler lines and shapes to convey natural forms and utilizes not only his paint in thick (most likely applied with palette knife) swatches but also the canvas for color and texture. In his earlier paintings, you could almost see the evolution of form and value in the layers of oil paint. I appreciate modern, abstract, minimalist art, but it does not hold my attention for very long. I like to get up close to artwork and try and understand the choices artists make, the drama they create in contrast, texture, color and form. It is a definite choice to say, "I want a lack of texture. I want a lack of color. I want to limit the form to it's most basic" but I can't help if I don't prefer it. Below are three examples of Mondrian's artistic transformation.





Don't ask my opinion on Andy Warhol. I don't like his work. I think he is a hack who had a knack of making people buy into his bullshit. His mother did all of the whimsical calligraphy on his illustrations (which come close to agreeable to me). He had aids do his screenprinting. Andy Warhol was a lot of hype. I envy him for his ability to become so successful. I think of him as more of a cultural figure and less of an artist.

The other artist showing at the Warhol was Glenn Kaino. I hate when galleries have highbrow explanations of artist's work. It reminds me of high school trying to appease my art teacher Mrs. Narey with lofty meanings to my artwork. Art should have meaning. Art should be the artist's commentary on their world- however explicit or implicit, basic or extreme. I don't think there should be placards in galleries telling people what the artist may or may not be saying. Isn't a major part of art the subjective audience and the meaning they derive through their personal experience? Have placards that give enough info to place the seed of what the artist's original goals were, but don't shove it down our throats in ways that make us beg the question, was said meaning ascribed after the fact by some art critic? Nevertheless, I enjoyed Kaino's work. Many were absurdist (sometimes the only way to make people realize how absurd life truly is) and others were slightly more direct- such as his machine that effectively stopped the sands of time, sands from silicon, texas, and israel. Jon and I especially enjoyed his Rube Goldberg machine featuring a tiny paper crane, giant lower jaws, and a jackalope.

here's Glenn Kaino's website- http://gkaino.uber.com/

So, there was some drama that Friday night. Jes decided not to go to Matmos. I don't really know what was going on. Jon said she left a note saying "have fun with Maggie" which makes me worried that she's upset Jon and I have been hanging out together a lot. Honestly, we are together so much because we don't really have that many other friends in Canonsburg and we don't have her to hang out with. I hope that she isn't upset for that reason. I know Jes. I know how she reacts to things and I feel like I can say that I understand her pretty well. I'm not mad at her in anyway, I just hope that things blow over soon enough.

Because Jes didn't want to go, her ticket was up for sale. Sanchez (aka Justin) said that he'd buy it and come in. Everyone was under the impression that it was sold out. Well, we called Justin about fifteen minutes before the show and he said he wasn't coming. Well, we found out soon enough that the show WAS NOT sold out and all we could do was give the ticket back to the Warhol sans refund. Jon said he'd pay Jes back.

Leprechaun Catering, the band that opened for Matmos was meh. An improv noise group, they were definitely Dada in their song titles and performance but lacked luster. I'm not sure if the drummer could actually keep a beat. The one thing I had to give to them was that they had some awesome instruments. One guy was playing a rubber band. That is just awesome. I told Jon that we should go on tour after seeing them.

Matmos was sublime. Their videos were impeccably matched to the music and you could just tell that they were in their element having fun. They played a song from a long forgotten lp called "The West" using looped acoustic guitar. Even though synths were "their thing" as they joked, I love the old stuff. I love the new stuff. I don't know what more to say other than, if you like Matmos, seeing them live is like adding the missing link.

After the show we went up to the Ruxton house to chill for a little while. Steph, Andy, Emily and I were talking about getting this magazine idea underway. I'm really excited to know they are all about it as well. Well, talk is just talk and I want to walk the walk, and I think they do too... we just have to step off. Talking with them about creating a creative community makes me wonder about my future or more precisely, where I'll be in the future. They make me want to be in Pittsburgh, but I don't know if I will be. I have to get an internship next summer and Pittsburgh isn't exactly the publishing hotspot. Then I wonder if my college career is actually worth something when all I think about career wise does not really involve Latin America. I always make concessions to include it. Who the fuck knows what I am doing with my life. I just know that Things have to fall into place eventually and I'm pretty confident in myself that I won't settle for something I'm not 100% about. I don't know. I think if you follow your passions and listen to your guts/heart, good things happen. I've been pretty lucky so far.

Wants and Needs

I kept singing in my head while driving the other day-
"When you've got all you want
all you want is more
so I'll stick with what I need
and learn to want what I've got"

I know it's not very poetic or flowing, but it's got a good message.

I have decided that from now on, I only want to consume things that will sustain and benefit my development as a human being. By consume, I am not referring to food alone- I'm talking about everything that I consume- books, music, clothing- all those *consumer* products that we just have to have.

Books are especially relevant. This summer I've been on a quest to read books for personal growth and not necessarily enjoyment. Thoreau's Walden and Civil Disobedience, The Plague by Camus (one of my favorite all time books), lectures on the Buddha, and now a great collection of existential writing edited by Walter Kaufman. I'm just about finished with the first selection- Notes from Underground by Dostoevsky. I think of people who can shovel in the romance novels and law/gov't thrillers. That is like the junk food of literature. Why should I give my brain a cavity?

Perhaps, as Dostoevsky says in Notes... the person of acute consciousness is the more burdened soul- much like how an adult is more burdened than a child because of awareness. I agree, but I'd rather be aware of my surroundings and be able to contextualize and understand events than be ignorant to the world and all it's facets. [Ah... living in a prismatic world <- my coleus aided enlightenment] Awareness is also why I've been trying to watch/read more of the news. I've read Thoreau's comments on the news, but as our society has changed significantly since Thoreau lived in the woods alone, I find that to be ignorant of world affairs is to be blinded from the bigger picture. I am one of those crazies who imagines themselves not so much a citizen of their country (hell, I'm a US citizen and subject to laws that I have very little say in by default) but of the entire globe. Also, our economy has become hinged on the economies of other countries as free trade has spread across the planet, and times are tough. Money has always been too important an issue for this 20 yr old for me not to pay attention to what is happening.

I hate elections. Make everything go to a referendum. The system is flawed and a flashy new president isn't going to make things turn on their heads. I plan on voting for Obama, but that is not to say that I believe in every word he says or every pledge he makes. McCain... I've suffered through a Republican president long enough. I've travelled and felt the international disdain for his policies (as well as NAFTA thanks to Clinton). I've been assaulted at a protest for exercising my rights, watched by the police. When will citizens feel like they are protected by the police and not under scrutiny? I'm starting to rant out of control... too much to cover without a premeditated outline.


tomorrow is matmos. super excited. turned down japanther tonight. too tired. need to work tomorrow.

Chk Chk Chk

Went and saw !!! tonight. I told the Tustins, (the two year old who broke my glasses, babysitting job), that I thought I was coming down with the stomach flu which Ada Goldsmith had on Monday. Jon and I were remarking that we had been planning on going, then yesterday decided we weren't and right before returned to our previous sentiments. I couldn't not see !!! and Icy Demons. I would have hated myself.

Icy Demons was really good, but I would have preferred them without the chick in the overalls. You always wonder in bands were there is a bunch of guys and one chick what the drama is if any. Who's hitting who and who's pissed? Nevertheless, each song had it's own distinct sound and feel- I was impressed with their drummer the most perhaps. Their one instrumental in which the chick in the overalls sat out was probably my favorite. The main singer dude had on some gnarly brown polyester pants with bizarre patches sewn on. I figure they were mostly for style since polyester really doesn't wear into holes like that. The brightly colored felt patches were a treat though, fitting of someone in a band called "icy demons".

!!! was over the top and relentlessly fuckadelic and gritty. How can a person not dance to this music? While I prefer the self titled album best, their new tracks certainly had Jon and me dancing. Jon was sexy dancing like a crazy mother fucker. He said he was un-"don't dance like Hemmis" dancing. A long story starting at a Q and not U show. I had friends who had just seen !!! at Camp Bisco. I'm glad I saw them at the Rex, here in Pittsburgh with my friends.

Still dehydrated.

I'm so stoked to see Matmos on Friday!!!!! Supreme Balloon is out of this world.

I've been day dreaming my EP.

The Graduate (Next Year)

I feel like Mrs. Robinson.

Signed,

Confused Cougar

Frustrated Creative

^ This is from last summer when there was a Chihuly exhibit at the Phipps Conservatory. I thought I had lost these photos because iPhoto is a bitch. I've just recently deleted my iPhoto library after moving all my images to a 500GB LaCie. I hope to start using Aperture for uploading and basic organizing/editing and my sweet new CS3 for the fancy shit. If I'm going to be a photojournalist, I better get my act together now. Mark Costa, amazing man that he is, gave me this beautiful SLR Olympus from the 80s that was unused. There is even a macro lens on it that reproduces 1:1. I have to learn this. I want to know my shit and feel like I am not just another lame ass artsy girl with a camera, but a respected photographer with skills and a distinct point of view. I always feel like I'm creative and talented yet not. Not enough to actually make an impact at least. I just feel like I fall short. Maybe that's why photography appeals to me because I have an eye for things, I'm just terrible at expressing myself, so I just point and shoot then I can manipulate if necessary.

There are so many projects that I have in my head that I never seem to be working on. Goddammit!!! My EP is going nowhere fast unless you count my insistent ramblings about how I should get working and asking friends for bits.

I had a dream about where I could take my textual drawings. Paper layering. Oh yeah. I just gotta do it.

In another dream, I was two years out of Vassar, living in NYC & had a gallery showing of photos that I took working for the NY Times. In my dream, I called it my day job because I also did fashion and music photog for fun. That would be sweet.

I just finished Civil Disobedience by Thoreau. Now I've started a collection of writings by "existential" authors.

God, I need to brush up on Spanish...

As If I Needed Told

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2008/06/30/national/a210757D48.DTL

^mushrooms are good.

Back From Erie With a Vengeance

Erie was interesting. the first night up was semi-magical as we all relaxed, ate amazing food and found out that my mom won $2000 on a free lottery ticket. I was so stoked, I couldn't get over it. She payed of my plane ticket to Mexico and fixed the car up. Because it's under 2500, she doesn't have to claim it on her taxes. SWEET.

Thursday, the Mt. Woo kids came up. My coleus plant was amazing and I dreamt of my buddhaland- prisms. Imagine that everything and being is a prism that by simply looking at you can understand all the facets of that thing's being. It was awe inspiring.

Friday, the weather became sunny but there was still a heavy breeze as compared to the grey we'd been having. We took a trip down on the beach and Andy started freaking out. I was suddenly reaching a new level of enlightenment and he was seriously going out of his skull. There was nothing anyone could really do but tell him to just sit it out. Jes was shot into a weird mindset along with the majority of the others. She then ended up twisting her ankle. (it's doing better now)

Saturday, everyone was pretty drained and wanted to go home early. Just of course, as Matt Wright and those kids came up. Emily and I had planned to spend the day in the canoe reading and having a peaceful day... but we ended up having a great time later at my house. We sat out on my porch with Lauren, Jes and Jon and then played Ouija. I SWEAR NO ONE WAS MOVING IT. We started talking to this little girl who died at age 5 because of illness. It was crazzzzy.

Missy and Katie are moving into the city at the beginning of the month. Soooo, I'm trying to get their job at the dry cleaner. I think they are strapped for help but don't necessarily want to hire me because I won't be around in the fall. But common!!!!! I need a job already. I don't want to work at Shop N Save. It's weird. I keep feeling like I'm ready to leave for somewhere when I know that Mexico is two months away. I need a job. I only have 70 more bucks in the old checking account and a life to live. Ugh. Babysitting tonight though.

Last night was Grails. They were so good. Bought some stuff at Red White & Blue on 51. Bought some records at the show.

Better Days

I'm in love with Graham Nash. Songs for Beginners is quite possibly my all-time favorite album. I just want to be surrounded by his voice and lyrics.

Wednesday proved to be a go business day. I blew 40 bucks on a whim, but I couldn't pass up that deal! I can't wait to take a trip at Erie. I hope I don't have to share.

The zombie party was good. no crazy zombie movie was made but it just hella bizarre to be sitting around with people that all looked like they were extremely fucked up. Bleeding from their eyes, nose, mouth... it made a regular saturday night into something special. I wish I would have been able to stay up though. I only drank two glasses of wine before I passed out.

*DO NOT GET STACKER 6 HOUR ENERGY IN THE TALL BOTTLES*

Jon lost his wallet. Dear god. He had so much money in it. Here is the story:

Nate decided that he should have a zombie wrestling match with Megan. They rolled around a little before extremely drunk Jon decided he wanted to take on Nate. They locked up and soon Jon went somersaulting down the hill. Never losing the cigarette in his mouth. That's when we think his wallet must have fallen out of his back pocket. So, later that night after everyone had left and all the housemates were asleep, a bunch of drunk guys that work with Megan came over and were just chilling on their back patio. Megan hears them, wakes up, and tells them to leave. At some point they must have been fighting because there was blood found the next morning (not zombie blood). Now, if Jon's wallet had been just chilling outside, we figure they must have taken it. The people at the party are all of our friends and would have at least taken it inside/given it to one of the housemates. Those drunk fucks must have taken it because it was definitely not at the house the next day, it wasn't in Jon's car or anywhere else we could think of looking.


I babysat the Goldsmiths for the first time on friday for only like three and a half hours. They are crazy good. So well behaved that it's scary. I hope I can start watching them a little more often. I need the money. I still haven't found another job. I might have to go to Shop N Save. UUUGHHH. Rowan is having the same trouble in Seattle. No on is really hiring because of the economic problems and they especially aren't looking for seasonal help when they can hire someone full time year-round.

Long Lost Poems

I found this little booklet that I was working on during senior year of these eight line, iambic tetrameter poems. They are pretty nice. Here-

1. Mother

and leaving from her womb her heart
the child's life once torn apart
chiding elders yet sewn as one
with shackles and her freedom done
the shallows of time's sequence loom
like dreams forgot and sharing rooms
so left with home and growing seeds
my mother cries for beggar's needs

2. Witchhunt

alone at night the sought recede
to mother earth for all they need
for nature fills the spindles spun
with downy wool that quickly runs
like falling ropes of martyrs hung
by bashful hands whose fears begun
the sacred search for nature's child
with gifts of pure, mistaken wild

3. Escape

collapsing in the stable bed
alive yet sleep my heavy head
condense my thoughts and form a dream
for life is dull and false. it seems
to love and wrack the mourning heart
makes a fool of those quick and smart
and ration truth empty words
so let me dream and be absurd

4. To Jason

controlled by season, light and moon
held on high yet forgotten soon
by feisty loves with troubled mind
who disappear and fade with time
but there you sit with heavy eyes
a jester's hat is your disguise
from noble thought some don't accept
a mother's love will not reject

5. Untitled

just leave me here to rot or die
young oysters to the walrus lie
so stupid in their shiny shell.
Naivety's veil soon had fell
on empty chest with weeping eye
for blindest youth our souls doth cry
when peace and love are pure no more
the wave has come and crashed on shore

6. Dominique

so clean and cold, embrace your sin
content when you committed them
the wilted flower cannot bloom
if you neglect and still assume
that love will grow with passing time
despite your deeds that are a crime.
retire to your lofty heights
with tarnished wings. you had no right.

7. G-d

creating justice, peace and faith
and living in his perfect grace
no mortal man could speak his word
so are these lies or truths we've heard?
a swallowed man, a floating arc,
the brightest star shone in the dark
I shut my eyes and close my mind
in these myths, faith, I cannot find.

8. Narey

she asked me how I thought it was
if i had planned to fix my flaws
I told her lies and forged ahead
I gave no weight to what she said
I knew she laughed to act sincere
she made it hard to function here
and create works that we desired
like her demise we so conspired

Draft a Letter

So, I have a little bit of money coming my way... the babysitting I thought was a no go is now a two-three times a week. I met the kids on Saturday morning and they are too cute and amazing. They immediately took to me. Carla, 8; Andre, 5; and Alexa, 3. I'll also be working maybe a day or two a week in the parents' dental office doing data entry, which, hell, in an air conditioned side room is fine by me! I'm still looking for another part time. Haven't heard from Starbucks yet though. AND my mom is paying me to clean the print shop. I worked today wiping down the front office. Omigod. It was so dirty. The spiders were all running away from the vacuum because I was completely destroying their homes. I didn't kill any bugs that I know of. I don't see the point. But anyway, I'm on a mission to work as much as possible. I don't care if that means I have four jobs that give me hours here and there, it'll be worth it when I put the money in the bank. and to think that unemployment went up .5% last month.

I talked to Scotty D last night for the first time in a long time. Wow. I am so proud of him. He got a grant to do research in Boston and is working a second job... but he's doing it. He's going to be some hot shot physicist/engineer. We haven't been nearly as close as we used to be since college, but I will always be invested in his life. I love him dearly. I wonder if I'm just really blowing it when I think of how dedicated he is. I don't know if my education is going to contribute in any way to what I'll end up doing. And if Latin America is my "thing" then why am I not working harder to speak spanish and find out opportunities to further myself in the discipline and see what I can do with it as a job? I think sometimes that I want to work in magazines like my mom, but I don't want an english degree necessarily or a business degree which are probably the degrees I would need to actually land a decent job in a publishing house, but aaaaaaaagh. Maybe I should bust my ASS and learn how to actually use my manual, have katie take me to the darkroom and show me around, and build up a kick ass photography portfolio and try and get a masters in photojournalism. Then, I would be a big asset to a company- not only am I good photographer, but I would be highly educated in Latin American issues and could go down on jobs. Wow... maybe that is a dream come true. Have I figured something out? Goal for next summer- internship at a magazine. Shoot for National Geographic. (who isn't?)

This weekend was fun and of course full of some bull shit. I don't even want to really get into it.

ZZZZZOMBIE PARTY NEXT WEEK. ERIE NEXT NEXT WEEK. <-source of happiness

How Can This Not Be A Recession?

I've been working on translating Pablo Neruda poems. I just did "Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines" but I'm tailoring it so I can make it into the lyrics of a Birds and Bees song.

I bought a small electric organ at a flea market the other day for 15 dollars. It was a bitch and a half to get to the car and bring it home but it is so worth it. I also got a Kraft poster celebrating Disneyland's 25th year. There is all this pretty food and characters from Alice in Wonderland.

Babysitting fell through. I think Jim forgot that he'd been talking to me since January about it. I'm looking for another job... and it's not looking too good. I just can't find anywhere close and interesting. Man, babysitting was really my dream. Now, I have to consider wearing long sleeves everyday to work because of my tattoos and taking out my nose piercings and I was really looking at them yesterday and I like them! I like the way they look, I like the way they make my nose look. I don't want to take them out. UGH. this sucks. I guess I have to realize that I just will have to sell my soul to a job right now.

I bought some plants to take care of. Coleus. They have an erowid page because, I guess, they are a relative of salvia. I've been saving the leaves from pruning. We'll see.

I hung out with Steph, Jes's art twin from AIP, this weekend and it was awesome. I love all those people. I just am so much more comfortable around that crew. I feel like I'm always talking about something interesting and not just tits and dicks, poop and farts. Not to say I don't love my other friends, it's just different.

DO-SH

GO SEE DOSH GO SEE DOSH GO SEE MARTIN DOSH


I did and he blows my fucking mind.





Emily and I totally fanned out about our friendship. Oh shit. Too amazing. I talked to Noah about how he saw the Lips on friday. Not many people at school really know the Maggie that appears here at home.


Tomorrow is Memorial Day.


I can't wait to start working on this EP... I've realized that I just need to start working on it by myself and bring in people where needed because it really is a vision I have and whenever I get together with Jake to work on shit it doesn't really go anywhere. I need to go to Jake and say "play something along these lines" then let his genius emerge.

Real Drama Exists

I learned that my friend Sean tried to commit suicide. I couldn't believe it. He's fine now, has to go to rehab for an hour every weekday and really shouldn't be around any kind of drug use. God. I just can't believe he attempted suicide. I knew that he was pretty depressed, but I didn't think his drug use was as out of control as people say it was becoming. I just want him to be alright. A weird aspect for me was that he had asked me out to dinner when I got back from school. Part of me now wants to go to him and be like "Sean, let me take care of you. We'll be together and I'll help you get through this", but I know that's an unhealthy thing to do for my own well being. Sean and I have such a long back and forth history, at least Kelsey isn't involved this time.

Yesterday, when I was at Jon's (I cut all his hair off, hahah!) his grandpa came in and totally tricked Joe (Jon's mom, Andrea's new boyfriend) into saying that he was selling some pot. I left the basement immediately to avoid the impending fight. Jon needs to get a job and move out of his mom's house already. Jes is totally itching for it since she pretty much lives there too and is just biding her time until she graduates AIP at the end of September. All of my friends are at their last legs living at home. I can't blame them since those in school commute and with gas prices, it's becoming harder and harder for them to feasibly afford to keep doing so. Otherwise, they all have such CRAZY family that I would want to leave as soon as possible myself. Missy's mom is now just mean all the time to the whole family and now won't even let Missy use the car or eat meals with them anymore. Katie, her mother is a drunk who's barely home and her brother is a slob. Getting back to Andrea, she can't seem to rid her life of crackhead boyfriends. She's visiting one, helping him continue his coke deals from prison. Her ex, Tim still comes over to see Jacob (his son and Jon's half brother) but comes over drunk to beat up Andrea's new boyfriend. [let us remember when Andrea made Tim leave the first time, he drove his car into the house and was going to murder them all] Joe, this new guy is alright. He's cool, but he's not really any different from the long list of men she goes through that only make things worse.

On a lighter note, Jes and I shared a jug of lambrusco last night. MMMMMMMMMMMM I got drunk and it was so lovely. I was talking crazy to Bridget (Jake's dog) telling her to chase kitties and random ass shit. Man, I love when my friends just all get together and we let loose and chill out. It's just... where I want to be. We were playing cards, watching 28 Weeks Later, laughing, joking, smoking... I can't wait to see how the summer evolves.

I decided the other day that I'm not going to go to Seattle to visit the Vassar kids. I just realized that 1) I can't really afford it when I'll be traveling to Mexico a few weeks later. 2) why should I be making so much effort when the majority of the people I'd be seeing aren't making any effort for me or haven't ever really? 3) I want to see Bob Dylan and Deerhunter with my friends in Pittsburgh. I am bummed that I won't be getting to see the Northwest, especially a city like Seattle and that I won't get to see Heather or Rowan. I really am so glad that Rowan and I became friends. I really enjoy and appreciate our friendship. I know and feel that she is a good person that I want to remain friends with. Nevertheless, I am not going to Seattle.

Memorial Day Pic-o-nic is on Monday! Hooray! I love this shit.

I've been seriously going through things in my room and moving things all around. It's a necessary thing. I need to incorporate my shit from college and actually know where everything is in my room since I'll actually be living in it for the whole summer. I need change. I like to feel like I have the power to change my environment therefore change my mood and mindset. It's feeling better already.

A New Beginning

I'm home now in southwestern Pennsylvania, and I've decided that I should really rededicate myself to this blog. I'm not going to catch people up on the last weeks of school because although there were some crazy fun times, there was bullshit too, and I don't want to have to relive it all. It's behind me. Let's focus on the present.

Last night was DeVotchKa with Jes, Jon, and Emily. This arrangement is definitely one of my favorite hang out groups. I tend to get sick of talking about drama and we don't do much of that here. We address the drama then say "goddamn I hate this shit", and it's over. I just generally feel like I belong in that grouping effortlessly. I always tell Emily that I feel like she should have grown up with us she's that similar.

But before we do finally get to talking about DeVotchKa... Basia Bulat opened. Holy Shit this girl can sing and play guitar and autoharp... www.basiabulat.com <-website. Jes Jon, Em and I had gone down by the Monongahela to chill before the concert, not considering the time, thinking "we might miss part of the first band whatever, devotchka is where it's at" but we got back just in time to see Basia come out and do a song a cappella. She had a strong folk feel but it wasn't overpowering. Even her sad songs were sweet and almost cheerful with ukulele, viola, cello and more.

DeVotchKa wasn't quite as good as I remembered. I think they were a little younger, a little less known (therefore had more to prove before Little Miss Sunshine told the world, oh yeah, DeVotchKa is a hit). Nick definitely was messing up here and there. And why didn't Jeanie have her sousaphone lit up in christmas lights? BUT BUT BUT It was still a great performance with an areal dancer that was basically right above me. After having written a ten page spanish paper about corridos and rancheras, I was listening to DeVotchKa with a new ear. They definitely must acknowledge that influence, I'm sure with songs sung in spanish or references to "the mexican army" or "under a mexican sky". I wanted to sort of yell out, "My great great cousin Jorge popularized the song Mexico Lindo in the 1940s! Do you love to watch Alla en El Rancho Grande?"

An unfortunate theme of the night was cooch. One of the violinists during DeVotchKa did not remember to keep her knees together while wearing a dress, so... you get the idea there, and the areal dancer of course was all over the place in a bikini bottom... I don't really want to see someone's downstairs.

Emily's apartment in Friendship is so adorable. I love that neighborhood and it's big stately houses on the tree lined streets. My very italian family lives near there so I these beautiful memories of behind every door being hugs and plates full of spaghetti.

Doris Day. I need to figure out why the universe keeps bringing me Doris Day. First, The Man Who Knew Too Much was on for Jimmy Stewart's birthday (did you know he grew up in Indiana, PA? weird.) Then today I was sitting reading an old Vanity Fair and I found an article about her life. What will I learn from Miss Day?

In Corners

I'm becoming more and more disgusted with myself. I feel like I have no self control.

I've plateaued with my weight.

I'm back and forth with my sentiments towards Harrison. I can't seem to keep myself on track when around him. The time off will be a welcomed eraser. I've realized that the reason I'm bitter about things is not because of missing him or wanting him but the fact that I just want to make people happy and I try to love unconditionally but I always get burned in the process. It's very distressing. He's a confusing person that will never be able to see from a different perspective. I don't know if he can sympathize. I want his attention because I want someone's attention and even though, as I look back, it wasn't perfect when we were together, it was goddamn something and I convinced myself that I was happy.

I can't get my work done. I hang out all day, complain about work, don't do my work, and hang out some more. What am I really getting out of it? I don't know. Things will be very different when I get back from summer and abroad. I know I'll be surprised to see what the scene evolves into... or degenerates into.




I could never be mistaken for asleep when we were together.



I'm worried about my mom. She's quitting Apple and I don't know how bills will be paid. Honestly. She says that she'll be able to hustle in the shop and then dedicate time to her art. I hope she does but I'm concerned in the meantime... she said that another reason to quit was so I could have access to the car when I babysit. I hate having to always worry about money. It's so stressful. I guess that's something that grates me with the 119 crew. So many privileged people. I miss my mother.

Someday

If one looked at my room and looked at me, they would agree- we are wreck. My curtain got ripped partially down the other night, my floors are crumby, dusty and shit is splayed all over them. I need to move some shit around, I've decided.

I haven't finished a paper that was due on thursday. I just can't seem to get my motivation back into gear. The weather is so nice. There are adventures to be had. My mind and soul are completely drained from the semester. Too much emotional distress to be asked to handle three months of obligatory learning. I have a problem with obligations. If I feel like I'm obligated to do something, I don't want to do it and don't care about not doing it. I'm sure someone will say it's because I'm an anti-authoritarian anarchist hippy.

My other problem is that I just want to get back to my friends at home. The group I've found at Vassar this semester is probably the most cohesive to my personality, but I still feel like there is something missing. The SMFers know me so well, we all understand each other. These are the people that I've crafted the majority of my identity along side. How can I not want to surround myself with them? How can I not feel out of place when I've already found a niche? I'm just really excited to be able to spend the whole summer at home. I haven't been able to settle into a routine there since high school. I'll be babysitting and chilling all summer long. thank god. I've even dedicated myself to reading theory.

I'm glad that I don't have to come back to Vassar next semester. It's a needed break. I think by spring I'll either be totally ready to get back or totally disenchanted with college. At least I have those amazing classes to look forward- a poli sci on 1968, indigenous and oppositional media, native american women, and hopefully a kick ass seminar.

Yesterday, in my continued procrastination, I went to Storm King with a bunch of the kids. If it hadn't been so windy, it would have been super amazing but it was only the sculptures that were amazing. I really love Alexander Calder. It seems like everything he touches turns to gold. I think my favorite part of the whole trip yesterday was eating thai for dinner. I love thai food and haven't had it in so long that it hurt my soul.

Pam told me that deja vu is actually a minor seizure. Also, my deja vu is actually called something else because I "feel" the scene familiar and can actually remember my deja vus. Crazy ass shit. Crazy ass shit.

The past two nights, I don't know how, but I've gotten drunk. I think we all need to get drunk more often because everyone has been lovey dovey, dancey, and super chilled out. I had to actually go lie down last night in the middle of hanging out because I was fucked up. But in a good way.

Harrison is asleep in my bed. He was following me around this morning. I miss the way we were but I'm alright being the way we are- just friends.

Place to Be

Yesterday was Heather's birthday so I went on a trip with her and some of our new friends. The day was gorgeous but we sat in limbo for much of the afternoon waiting to get our tickets and leave. Everyone was getting frustrated and I think it really affected my time once we got going. I felt critical and paranoid like I never had before. I don't know if it was just from the previous sentiments of the day or because of who I was with, all of which have never affected me before I saw some of the most beautiful things--clouds swimming and shimmering in the evening light, kaleidoscopes of bodies and upholstery, drawings of flickering intensity. I saw Russell flip his bike. I saw a hawk snatch a small animal. We were a pack of gypsies. I found my perfect sandwich. I found a tree with a million perfect perches. I am very much like a cat. Fickle like my cat.

My overall mood after our trip is reserved and poignant. I think that I need to enter a selfish phase. Not selfish like a spoiled child, but selfish with my time and selfish with my energy. I want to do more for myself by myself. I feel like I ought to learn how to be independent of other people since I base my existence and mental & emotional health on my interactions with others. How will I survive in Mexico let alone in the great big "real world" if I can't be alone?

I'm still obsessive over Harrison in the sense that I'm still in the "stalker" stage- I know where he is at most times, constantly have an eye on him, get jealous, etc. However, I really don't want to be with him anymore. I feel like we could have been a really great couple, maybe someday in an alternate reality we could/will, but I don't find the urge to touch him, kiss him, love him like I did. Geneva told me that it takes males till they are 28-30 to fully myelinate the connections of the prefrontal cortex where we reason inhibitions and consequences of our actions. This causes men to be more reckless in youth. Harrison, your prefrontal cortex is not myelinated enough for me. I also thought of this phrase for my notebook of drawings- As your hidden body becomes unwanted territory, I think of all I have to give and maybe should keep it to myself.

Blahness

blah blah blah. life is the same. blah blah blah. i have lots of work due. lots of fun planned. trying to get over harrison, and as long as I have jack herer I might be able to stay positive enough to do it. I told him that I didn't know if I could be his friend after all is said and done then immediately rescinded because I felt bad. I think he and Rowan are going to get back together. I'll be bitter until I'm not, so whatever. I hate financial aid and all the other bullshit things I have to do between now and friday. Heather's birthday is saturday and scotty d isn't coming to visit. I'm sad about the latter, but it was going to already be a jammed packed weekend especially with three written assignments due next week. balls. I should be working. I went to the Disco Biscuits. It was a good time but now I have bruises from sleeping on a basement floor, bizarrely enough.

I'll Get To You Somehow

My mom didn't get the Oprah contest. Man, I was so bummed. Nothing seemed to be going my way. What a terrible curse the McPeakes have. Luck is right under our nose but ever elusive. She deserved it. She deserves something amazing to happen for her.

I'm so jealous. I'm in that weird stage of getting over Harrison where I'm definitely not over him emotionally but mentally, I am. I just want his attention back. It was the day of my last post when he kissed my forehead, but today he kissed my head and fingers. He's been so pensive lately. I pretend that he's deciding to be with me. Like he would have some sudden change of heart. But his actions maintain his normal sentiment regarding women. Or maybe he's settling in with Rowan? Who knows. He confuses me. All men do. I just don't want to allow him to string me along, but I know that I have to make the shift away. Everyone seems to be finding excitement, and I'm stuck in the doldrums just barely gaining optimism.

I did a photo shoot on Saturday. I was topless for most of it because the shoot was models covered in different accessories so they wanted pretty much no visible clothing. It was the first time that I had ever modeled and I was quite nervous. People said that my pictures were good and I don't know how I feel about it. It's like, wow, I should eat this up. I never had a great body image growing up so it's hard for me to believe that I'm pretty or whatever especially with all these skinny chicks bouncing about. I'm interested to see what the pictures look like.

I talked to my advisor about what's been going on this semester with my dad and everything, and she was very sympathetic. She told me that I could take as much time as I needed to get my work done because of my distraction. That whole day was like therapy. I talked with everyone.

I can't stop listening to the Beatles.

Don't Be Afraid

haha. I love German psuedo-sisters.

So, Harrison and I are just friends now? I don't know what's really going on because we act so strange around each other. I think he's getting a little annoyed that I don't distance myself more. But then he comes over and gives me a kiss on the forehead. I feel like I'm being walked over, but i'm not doing anything to stop it either. I wonder how long this phase will last. For years?

My mom hasn't heard from Oprah. FUCK. I'm so nervous. I don't know what's gonna happen. I want her to get this so badly. She deserves so much more.

I'm so done with school. This is bad news.

Living in this Society

the election is a bust. I'm an anarchist so I already expect there not to be a sympathetic candidate but I always hope that someone seems like the change we need as a country. I don't think Obama necessarily is. Honestly, insurance is a big issue to me since both of my parents are self insured and can barely afford it let alone include me on the policy and Hillary has the more radical plan- Obama is still thinking capitalistically. I won't even get started on McCain. I want revolution. I want people to realize that they aren't disenfranchised and have the power to really be heard. The electoral voting system has effectively stripped people of their efficacy and the representational system no longer operates on the idea of actually representing constituents but representing big business and party politics. It's all a sham.

Harrison starting hooking up with another girl. I see her all the time- she's a mutual friend. I don't have a lick of animosity towards her because it's not her fault that she didn't know (I honestly believe that she didn't) and I actually feel very sorry for her because she had no idea what Harrison's M.O. is- he wants to play the field, not emotionally but sexually. I told him that if he wanted to be with me again that he had to quit with said other girl and future other girls until we're over (which would be the end of the semester). The weird thing is that I've been having waves of completely other sentiments. At one point I thought that, it's over and let's just be friends. Then I got a little wine drunk last night and realized that I really do adore him and miss just lying in his arms. Then as the other girl was feeling sick from drinking too much (which interestingly coincided with returning from being alone with Harrison for about ten minutes. perhaps, he spoke with her as I advised?) I felt that maybe I could share him with her. I like her. She's nice. But, I'm an only child of divorce and while I like to share pretty much everything, I don't think I can share someone's attention/affection. Ultimately, I think it might be the best for him if he just didn't get involved with anyone at all, but I'm not really the one to tell him what to do nor can I force him to be with me. It's so strange how the world works.

Heather is thinking about taking next semester off. I think it's a good idea. She's become so disenchanted with school that it would only do her good, i think. Also, it would mean that if she did come back the next semester, I'd get to see her/live with her! It will be weird not living with Heather for the majority of a year. She's my best friend. I'm probably closer to her than anyone else. She's one of the only people I've become able to tell everything to. I'm a secretive person. I don't like to talk about my real problems. I have a lot of amazing friends that I know I could go to for anything, but I can just be open with Heather in a way I can't with other people. I don't know what I'll do when she's gone!

Dreams

I woke up pretty early today with a thirst that could only be brought on by late night revelry and I got to have some breakfast with my mom. After vacuuming the steps, I thought I'd get a quick nap in before I started reading my History and I had the MOST FUCKED UP DREAM EVER. Here it is:

my mom and I are driving in our car (that was suddenly a convertible version) with me in the passenger seat when my mom almost attempts to make a left hand turn in front of this red sports car. I tell her to wait and recognize that the car is the Swordfish, the car Harrison, Harry, and Dane are taking across country. I wave at them and they stop next to us. Harrison gets out of the car, book in hand, to talk to me. He says that they decided just to forego the whole trip to Seattle because of all hassles they believe would be on the way.

Then I notice that Harrison has sleeves on both of his arms. I disregard one, grabbing his right arm saying "I haven't seen this yet". The tatt is two brown buildings with just the sparcest of black lines to suggest windows. There is a yellow moon above and grey smoke around the buildings and into the air. I remembered thinking that the smoke was kind of like the curls in Starry Night but also reminded me of the smoke in J. Alfred Prufrock. The style was all solid color in simple shapes on a solid black background. I said, "I like it". He replied in a low voice, "I love you". "huh?" "I like it too." "heh, ok."

I told him to call me about getting back to school and we got back into our cars to leave. I noticed that I then had his book in my hands.

Now at my house, my mother hands me the phone saying it's my dad. I answer and all I hear is his soft, garbled, post-stroke speech- I love you, goodbye. I ask him to repeat but there's no answer. Then a nurse picks up and in a hurried tone says, "Is he a top priority patient?" "I don't know. He's my dad." By the time I say "dad", I'm crying hysterically. The nurse quits talking and I run into the bathroom screaming, "Somebody talk to me!" I hear, "I can't find a pulse", then more silence. I scream and scream until finally I know it's of no use.

I look into the bathroom mirror and one of my front teeth falls out. I take it into my mother's room and she is not too impressed nor does she seem worried about my state at all. I go back into the bathroom and proceed to have all of my top teeth fall out. I'm still crying like mad- now not just because my father has most likely committed suicide but also because all of my teeth are falling out which I relate to being because I am so upset. I start trying to salvage what teeth are left up top, picking out the little bits of broken tooth stuck in my gums that have accumulated into a substantial pile on the countertop when I notice that some of my front teeth have reappeared. "Have they grown back?" I inspect them closer.

I wake up running my tongue on the backs of my top teeth.