Friday, August 29, 2008

Goodbye Manifesto

I'm leaving for mexico in less than 7 hours. holy fucking shit.

My throat is clenched shut but still moist despite the sore throat I feel coming on... I've been slowly seeing the signs of a cold brewing for awhile now and I think it's finally settling in. Sneezing and hacking up globs of clear gooey snot that was trying to coat my throat. I'm sure that my immunity is down because of my stress. When I did theatre, I was never nervous until I got backstage and the lights went out. Anxiety would grip me as I waited in the wings for my cue, but when I stepped on stage, there was never any fear about how I would perform or the successes or failures we would make... I was confident and went with the flow. It's happening again now. I'm biding my time until I pass through security and I'm on my way... biding my time with a heavy chest and aching mind.

My mom keeps telling me to come to bed... I know that I won't sleep. There are still things left to do that I've been putting off. I never wrote those thank you cards. I never printed out the pictures that I want to hang on my wall in my new Mexican room. My computer is obviously not packed away in my book bag. Maybe I should try for just a few hours of sleep. Run around in the morning getting those knit picky things done. I can always send thank yous from Mexico. Hell, they might feel more gratitude if I took the time to mail it from a foreign country. Can sentiment and gratitude be augmented by distance? Reminds me of frequent flyer miles for some reason except with emotion.

What scares me the most about this particular adventure of mine, is that I have no safety net. I've gone away before, but always with someone I knew well. Maria is starting university in Nurnberg. Heather is somewhere... god knows. Will I find someone to be friends with? Someone that I want as my friend and not just because I am friendly? It's the same feeling I have with family. It was so wonderful to meet Sarah because I feel like she is a family member that if I met "in the wild", I would befriend. Will the people in my group become my friends only because they are in my group? I hope not!

I always feel stupid and pretentious when I think of my next statement... but I imagine that it's essentially true for all people--
I'm an offbeat person with a lot of interests that your average joe is not so hip on. Between my music and political leanings- I usually lose people. I find people that align with me, but I acknowledge that we are definitely a minority in this country. But I guess, what is a typical American like? This all comes back to my family reference above. Sarah, my mom, my cousin Lisa and I are definitely the oddballs of the family. The artsy ones- free spirited and whatever you want to call it. I've always felt like an anomaly in my family. Well... whatever.

Mallku messaged me. He's in California. I wonder if school in Lima didn't pan out. I hope that he hooks up with Heather and then they both come out to the east coast in December to visit. I owe it to Mallku to show him a great time. He was a big reason why Peru was so wonderful. Without him... things would have been terribly bland.

I also talked to Dominique tonight. Her story is an interesting one but she always plays a victim to circumstance. I feel like I need to be careful.

Obama/Biden '08

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