White Cake

I guess hyping up my birthday in the manner I did turned out to be just what I needed to make it enjoyable. I hung with the widest variety of all my favorite people, so, needless to say, Vassar birthday 2008 was a success. The celebrations started at 1230 am on friday. Wowsers. I owe a lot to Biff for being my mad scientist. He has such the crazy hookup. When my actual party started Friday night, I was so happy and surprised to see the array of people that at least stopped by to give their birthday wishes. Even Jane the master mooch showed up. Of course. I think the best part of my birthday was just having everyone around me. Knowing that these people showed up was really gift enough (I know the allure of free drink was also a motivation), but I honestly survive on human interaction. When I am alone, I am only thinking of who I saw that day or who I will. I define my happiness by the quality and quantity of my time with friends/family/lovers.

I started having people tag my coffee table... maybe that was a bad idea in retrospect considering the drunken scrawls some people did... also, these people had to be explained the concept of a tag, so I guess that I shouldn't have allowed them to attempt, but I'm a softie.

Liking white cake with vanilla icing is not racist. It's delicious.

My mom sent me one of those pajama grams. LAME. The funny thing is, my mom knows that I really don't wear pajamas and can't see the purpose of more than say, one pair of comfortable pants to sleep in. I'm sending the pink velour back as soon as I get my act together and print out the return form. At least the chocolate that came with the pjs was delicious.

::NEW EXCITEMENT ALERT::
there is a boy that moved into the stairwell this semester after traveling around China that has made me hurry up and move on from the whole Oleg thing. Oleg is still a great guy, but I think it is best that we are just friends. Maybe this new guy won't pan out either, who knows? But I am trying to be smarter about who I like and how I go about it. Talking to Heather has made me realize that I might have a warped idea of how a relationship develops. I mean, I'm sure that I do. I'm just so anxious, I guess. He is super nice so I keep warning myself that what I am taking as flirtations or interest in me is just his honest interest in me as a person and not necessarily as a romantic possibility. He could just be a nice guy that to eager girls comes off as romantically inclined. The ratio of dudes to girls is atrocious here so any attention from a straight male is like christmas. He and I will just have to hang out more and see what happens.

I just hope something happens soon though.

I definitely wasn't expecting to meet someone this semester. Hoping, maybe, but to actually meet someone that right away catches my attention and keeps interesting me, well, I didn't think that would happen for a long time coming.


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My birthday horoscope:

If you wait for that one big idea to come along and make your fortune you could wait forever. Your birthday chart shows that you already have what you need to be a success in life- all you have to do is recognize what you are good at and focus on it to the exclusion of everything else.


My problem is that I'm a jack of all trades. I'm kinda good at a lot of things. I'm good at loving people, but you can't build a life on that. I guess I should stop looking at things within the framework of a potential career, but I look at my mother and can't help to search for something satisfying but with job security and a comfortable salary. Then, I think of how all I know is that I want a family. Maybe my great success will be raising amazing people that will be the real ones to make their mark. This is a very depressing thing to think about at 20 years of age. I was having a variant of this conversation last night- I am part of the generation that will be the next wave of movers and shakers. Will I be one of them? Only the few rise.

New Round

My birthday is on friday. I'm excited to turn 20 but sort of dreading the actual day. I just know that I'm going to be let down. My mom and friends really make a birthday and I don't have those here. I have some friends at Vassar but not like my crew. Birthdays are always a big deal in my family- especially since my papa, mom and I are all in a row. I guess that I shouldn't be so pessimistic about having a "great" birthday. I just have to sustain myself. That's what I'm learning. My family and friends at home know me in a way that my happiness is definitely augmented by their actions and intentions. At Vassar, obviously I don't have relationships as close as those at home, but I've only been here for a year and a half, I guess it just takes time like everything else.

Ugh.

I had my first poli theory class today. The teacher seems to actually have some conviction about what he's teaching and wants his students to understand the material and not just be exposed to it.

Crossing my fingers.

And in the End

You know the song "the End" by the Beatles... remember the lyrics?

"And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."

My mom has always disliked those lines because she always felt like she was getting the short end of the deal. She always felt like she was making more love than taking, and not "making" in the physical sense. She felt like she was putting out more love to more people than she was receiving.

I don't see it like that. I read those lines and see them as a source of hope. They seem to call for a karmic balance to me. They hush me to believe that the more I love others the more I will be loved and the more I love someone else the more they'll love me back. It's nice to think about.

Mucha

I need this on me. After all my searching then finding it then losing it then searching more with a million ideas... this is it.

life has been so good to me lately... well, other than the fact that yesterday I was laid out with an intense head cold. Talk about sinus pressure. Today I'm a lot better and got to see the movie Hot Fuzz. I totally recommend it.

but... I blew a ton of money this week going to the Bodies exhibit then Sushi Kim's with Jon and Jes. It was crazy to see your blood vessels suspended in a case in front of you all filled up with silicon. I got to hold a brain and a lung. Yippee! Sushi Kim's was amazing as usual. Actually got to see Mr. Kim for a change and talk a little bit. I've been going there since I was four years old. It's amazing. They still give me the Maggie Special- sushi rice, sesame oil, sesame seeds, and flying fish roe. Mmmmm...

Everything is telling me that this year is a year I need to apply myself to everything that I do. I need to keep this in mind and work my ass off because I have so many things that I want to accomplish that I'll need to have a good work ethic to do them and not half assed for a change.

New Year

It's been incredible to watch my mood shift now that I am home. Being around my friends and my family really lifted my spirits. My friends at home are all at peace with each other which means that any drama that was present before has evaporated leaving only good effin' times. It just feels cohesive.

Christmas was good. Quiet. I got a harmonica.

I was building up nye sooo much that I'm not surprised that I cried. I honestly thought that I would meet someone new and exciting to spend my sleepless nights thinking about. But that didn't happen. The one dude I thought was cute was told to me to be "messed up" and I shouldn't even go near. Oh well. The other? made out with Katie. Missy in her drunken stupor did expel a kernel of knowledge- "Katie is so cute that she'll get a bunch of guys and end up with a good guy. We have personalities that are gonna attract that one greatguy." I hope she's right. I've sort of resigned to the idea that there isn't someone for everyone. It's just compatibility and sometimes people don't stay compatible. I'm completely ok with never having that one person forever. As long as I have my family and friends around me, I don't really need anything else. I'll have children on my own as long as I don't become a worthless drifter. I say these things then cry on nye because I'm lonely for someone. My mind will fill in the blanks even if they are incorrect. Do I know the person for me? Again, I don't know if there is one.

This one dude actually told me that he was intimidated by me because I went to Vassar. Was my mom right all along?

I have no money. I have no job. I feel like a leech.

Everything seems to be telling me to work extra hard this year. I think I'll need to make a sign and hang it on my wall.

I don't think I'll be able to afford my bee tattoo. DAMMIT. I want it. I want it for all that it symbolizes and every aspect of it's beauty. I think it's stupid when people say, "but you won't be able to ever see it on your neck". It's not about seeing it or having anyone else be able to see it. It's about my family. It's about the natural order of things. That's something I want to carry with me forever, and I don't have to see it to know it's there.

I'm excited for the future, yet I am macabre.