Monday, April 28, 2008

In Corners

I'm becoming more and more disgusted with myself. I feel like I have no self control.

I've plateaued with my weight.

I'm back and forth with my sentiments towards Harrison. I can't seem to keep myself on track when around him. The time off will be a welcomed eraser. I've realized that the reason I'm bitter about things is not because of missing him or wanting him but the fact that I just want to make people happy and I try to love unconditionally but I always get burned in the process. It's very distressing. He's a confusing person that will never be able to see from a different perspective. I don't know if he can sympathize. I want his attention because I want someone's attention and even though, as I look back, it wasn't perfect when we were together, it was goddamn something and I convinced myself that I was happy.

I can't get my work done. I hang out all day, complain about work, don't do my work, and hang out some more. What am I really getting out of it? I don't know. Things will be very different when I get back from summer and abroad. I know I'll be surprised to see what the scene evolves into... or degenerates into.

I could never be mistaken for asleep when we were together.

I'm worried about my mom. She's quitting Apple and I don't know how bills will be paid. Honestly. She says that she'll be able to hustle in the shop and then dedicate time to her art. I hope she does but I'm concerned in the meantime... she said that another reason to quit was so I could have access to the car when I babysit. I hate having to always worry about money. It's so stressful. I guess that's something that grates me with the 119 crew. So many privileged people. I miss my mother.

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