Saturday, March 29, 2008

Living in this Society

the election is a bust. I'm an anarchist so I already expect there not to be a sympathetic candidate but I always hope that someone seems like the change we need as a country. I don't think Obama necessarily is. Honestly, insurance is a big issue to me since both of my parents are self insured and can barely afford it let alone include me on the policy and Hillary has the more radical plan- Obama is still thinking capitalistically. I won't even get started on McCain. I want revolution. I want people to realize that they aren't disenfranchised and have the power to really be heard. The electoral voting system has effectively stripped people of their efficacy and the representational system no longer operates on the idea of actually representing constituents but representing big business and party politics. It's all a sham.

Harrison starting hooking up with another girl. I see her all the time- she's a mutual friend. I don't have a lick of animosity towards her because it's not her fault that she didn't know (I honestly believe that she didn't) and I actually feel very sorry for her because she had no idea what Harrison's M.O. is- he wants to play the field, not emotionally but sexually. I told him that if he wanted to be with me again that he had to quit with said other girl and future other girls until we're over (which would be the end of the semester). The weird thing is that I've been having waves of completely other sentiments. At one point I thought that, it's over and let's just be friends. Then I got a little wine drunk last night and realized that I really do adore him and miss just lying in his arms. Then as the other girl was feeling sick from drinking too much (which interestingly coincided with returning from being alone with Harrison for about ten minutes. perhaps, he spoke with her as I advised?) I felt that maybe I could share him with her. I like her. She's nice. But, I'm an only child of divorce and while I like to share pretty much everything, I don't think I can share someone's attention/affection. Ultimately, I think it might be the best for him if he just didn't get involved with anyone at all, but I'm not really the one to tell him what to do nor can I force him to be with me. It's so strange how the world works.

Heather is thinking about taking next semester off. I think it's a good idea. She's become so disenchanted with school that it would only do her good, i think. Also, it would mean that if she did come back the next semester, I'd get to see her/live with her! It will be weird not living with Heather for the majority of a year. She's my best friend. I'm probably closer to her than anyone else. She's one of the only people I've become able to tell everything to. I'm a secretive person. I don't like to talk about my real problems. I have a lot of amazing friends that I know I could go to for anything, but I can just be open with Heather in a way I can't with other people. I don't know what I'll do when she's gone!

Friday, March 14, 2008


I woke up pretty early today with a thirst that could only be brought on by late night revelry and I got to have some breakfast with my mom. After vacuuming the steps, I thought I'd get a quick nap in before I started reading my History and I had the MOST FUCKED UP DREAM EVER. Here it is:

my mom and I are driving in our car (that was suddenly a convertible version) with me in the passenger seat when my mom almost attempts to make a left hand turn in front of this red sports car. I tell her to wait and recognize that the car is the Swordfish, the car Harrison, Harry, and Dane are taking across country. I wave at them and they stop next to us. Harrison gets out of the car, book in hand, to talk to me. He says that they decided just to forego the whole trip to Seattle because of all hassles they believe would be on the way.

Then I notice that Harrison has sleeves on both of his arms. I disregard one, grabbing his right arm saying "I haven't seen this yet". The tatt is two brown buildings with just the sparcest of black lines to suggest windows. There is a yellow moon above and grey smoke around the buildings and into the air. I remembered thinking that the smoke was kind of like the curls in Starry Night but also reminded me of the smoke in J. Alfred Prufrock. The style was all solid color in simple shapes on a solid black background. I said, "I like it". He replied in a low voice, "I love you". "huh?" "I like it too." "heh, ok."

I told him to call me about getting back to school and we got back into our cars to leave. I noticed that I then had his book in my hands.

Now at my house, my mother hands me the phone saying it's my dad. I answer and all I hear is his soft, garbled, post-stroke speech- I love you, goodbye. I ask him to repeat but there's no answer. Then a nurse picks up and in a hurried tone says, "Is he a top priority patient?" "I don't know. He's my dad." By the time I say "dad", I'm crying hysterically. The nurse quits talking and I run into the bathroom screaming, "Somebody talk to me!" I hear, "I can't find a pulse", then more silence. I scream and scream until finally I know it's of no use.

I look into the bathroom mirror and one of my front teeth falls out. I take it into my mother's room and she is not too impressed nor does she seem worried about my state at all. I go back into the bathroom and proceed to have all of my top teeth fall out. I'm still crying like mad- now not just because my father has most likely committed suicide but also because all of my teeth are falling out which I relate to being because I am so upset. I start trying to salvage what teeth are left up top, picking out the little bits of broken tooth stuck in my gums that have accumulated into a substantial pile on the countertop when I notice that some of my front teeth have reappeared. "Have they grown back?" I inspect them closer.

I wake up running my tongue on the backs of my top teeth.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Like the Dead Leaves Do

My stepsisters are picking me up today to take me to see my dad. I love them so much, I'm truly excited to see them. I hadn't really told anyone about my dad until this weekend was planned and I had to give the reason why I was skipping out on the last weekend before break. I don't like to complain or incite pity. I don't know what to expect when I see my dad. I hope that i don't get too emotional. Key word- too.

Thursday night was an adventure. Harrison, Noah and I took Geneva's car up to Harrison's house to pick up. Well, Geneva's car was sort of on it's last leg and after the water temp rose, the check engine light went on, we cooled the car down, the check engine light went off, then the temp went really low, and as we were on the off ramp- the battery light went off, the check engine light went off and we lost power steering. The car was dead. Kaput and smoking. Harrison's dad picked us up in his swanky car and they towed it to a local parking lot where the mechanic could get it in the morning. It was freeeeezing outside btw.

It was great to see Harrison's houses (his dad's and mom's). I love to know/see where people grow up. I think it has to do with the fact that our world views are so heavily generated by our landscape. My sentiments are the same about parents and siblings. I guess I like to understand where people come from--what shades their understanding and motivates their actions. The two things that leave large puzzle pieces unsolved in Harrison are his mother and his ex, Carolyn. Carolyn has sort of been a shadowy figure in my relationship with Harrison. She's always staring from some distant corner of Harrison's mind. They haven't spoken since they broke off their 5 year relationship. Her picture is everywhere in his different old rooms and scattered across family photos. It's weird to know that I am being compared to her. And only her. She's cute. Looks like the popular girl from Brick, but otherwise I know nothing of what happened between her and Harrison. One of Harrison's friends called and left a message where amoungst other things she said that he should call Carolyn. Ever since he's been a little off. I just don't want to lose to nostalgia.

Harrison's dad gave me a kiss on the cheek goodbye. hahaha. What a business man. Dave, his mom's boyfriend, was awesome.

NCOR is falling apart. Everything seems to be falling apart this year for the SAU. GODDAMMIT. I can't handle a position of responsibility. I hate being a treasurer. I hate being ineffectual. I hate letting people down.

I have a really painful ear infection. really painful. I'm doing everything I can medically to alleviate the pain and the problem but it persists at the moment sending shooting pains throughout my body. My left ear is the only poor working soul left of the pair which means I have no ability to sense WHERE sounds are coming from let alone hearing anything that's not extremely loud on my right side.

Due to a combination of stessors and pains both physical and emotional, I've really been in need of some TLC. Nothing beats your mother when you are miserable.

Dominique is in the hospital for brain surgery. I haven't spoken to her in ages. Haven't seen her in the same. There is so much emotion wrapped up in her for me that I don't know how to feel. But I feel sad and worried and terrible.

picture- Jorge Negrete. family represent.