Emotional People

Man, the universe sends me messages, and I read them. Either I'll be thinking about someone that I haven't heard from in a long time, I'll get some weird dream about them, or I'll find something relating to them- low and behold!! they contact me! It's happened with Mallku, Scott Sierzega and now, Noah Chilton. Yesterday I was about to sign into my blog when I noticed that in the username field was Noah's email. Weird. Strange. How did that happen? Well, today, he calls me! It was so nice to hear his voice and hear what has been going on in Seattle. I hope that we stay friends so that I can be an aunt to his children like he asked back at school.

If I marry someone with siblings, then I could possibly be an aunt. Otherwise, well, no aunthood for me. I missed having siblings as a child. I was always alone when I was at home. My mom and grandparents were always working or busy with this or that. I would just retreat into my imagination, draw, play with my Barbies, talk to birds. I think that is partially why my mom and I have been grating on each other lately. We aren't used to being around each other this much. In school I was always doing band, theatre or working and she was working two jobs at the time herself. I'm used to being around my peers at school. I'm used to being by myself. I'm also just feeling frustrated with my future. I don't know if anything that I've done so far or am planning to do is actually pushing towards the future I've begun to imagine. I don't even know what my future will really end up being. I'm considering finishing Vassar and going to a technical school. HA. A fancy education just to get a certificate in welding, carpentry or electronics. But who knows. Maybe I'll end up in New York working at a magazine. I really have to stop thinking about it because I feel like I'm blinding myself to the present moment.

Harrison got on the phone after Noah. He's going to hitch hike through Latin American to Argentina where Kevin's sister will be studying. He got me so worried. I know he and Kevin hiked across China, but Latin America is a slightly different story that involves DRUG CARTELS. I told him, Mexico through Central America and down through the north of South America will be the scary part. There's your best bet at getting mugged, kidnapped etc. If he got to Peru, I think he'd be alright. Travelling in a group of very American college age boys who don't know any Spanish will only get them into trouble. I'm still having difficulty moving on completely from him too. I know that the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference, and I'm definitely not indifferent to him. It would take a miracle for me to ever want him again (most likely vice versa as well), but my thoughts keep racing back and forth about what happened and will happen. Fern is coming with Geneva to Seattle. I wonder what the story is there. I wonder if he moved on from that phase too. Ugh.



I can't get close to Fern for certain reasons. 1) She was an ally when shit was going down with Harrison. We used to talk about a lot of things including how she wasn't going to settle for anyone to just date. She didn't want to date Harry because he was socially awkward. So when she and Harrison were hooking up, I can't help if I felt a little betrayed. (see above illustration)
2) Her conduct in relation to friends/lovers reminds me of Dominique. There is no need to elaborate.

Speaking of D, she emailed Jes and said that she's moving back to Pittsburgh and wants to hang out. We have to keep her far far away from Jason. I just hope that our precautions are unnecessary and both of them keep their distance. I don't want to be siamese twins again- I just want to touch base and see how the person I spent every minute of two very developmental years with is doing.