Sunday, April 20, 2008

Place to Be

Yesterday was Heather's birthday so I went on a trip with her and some of our new friends. The day was gorgeous but we sat in limbo for much of the afternoon waiting to get our tickets and leave. Everyone was getting frustrated and I think it really affected my time once we got going. I felt critical and paranoid like I never had before. I don't know if it was just from the previous sentiments of the day or because of who I was with, all of which have never affected me before I saw some of the most beautiful things--clouds swimming and shimmering in the evening light, kaleidoscopes of bodies and upholstery, drawings of flickering intensity. I saw Russell flip his bike. I saw a hawk snatch a small animal. We were a pack of gypsies. I found my perfect sandwich. I found a tree with a million perfect perches. I am very much like a cat. Fickle like my cat.

My overall mood after our trip is reserved and poignant. I think that I need to enter a selfish phase. Not selfish like a spoiled child, but selfish with my time and selfish with my energy. I want to do more for myself by myself. I feel like I ought to learn how to be independent of other people since I base my existence and mental & emotional health on my interactions with others. How will I survive in Mexico let alone in the great big "real world" if I can't be alone?

I'm still obsessive over Harrison in the sense that I'm still in the "stalker" stage- I know where he is at most times, constantly have an eye on him, get jealous, etc. However, I really don't want to be with him anymore. I feel like we could have been a really great couple, maybe someday in an alternate reality we could/will, but I don't find the urge to touch him, kiss him, love him like I did. Geneva told me that it takes males till they are 28-30 to fully myelinate the connections of the prefrontal cortex where we reason inhibitions and consequences of our actions. This causes men to be more reckless in youth. Harrison, your prefrontal cortex is not myelinated enough for me. I also thought of this phrase for my notebook of drawings- As your hidden body becomes unwanted territory, I think of all I have to give and maybe should keep it to myself.

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