New Year

It's been incredible to watch my mood shift now that I am home. Being around my friends and my family really lifted my spirits. My friends at home are all at peace with each other which means that any drama that was present before has evaporated leaving only good effin' times. It just feels cohesive.

Christmas was good. Quiet. I got a harmonica.

I was building up nye sooo much that I'm not surprised that I cried. I honestly thought that I would meet someone new and exciting to spend my sleepless nights thinking about. But that didn't happen. The one dude I thought was cute was told to me to be "messed up" and I shouldn't even go near. Oh well. The other? made out with Katie. Missy in her drunken stupor did expel a kernel of knowledge- "Katie is so cute that she'll get a bunch of guys and end up with a good guy. We have personalities that are gonna attract that one greatguy." I hope she's right. I've sort of resigned to the idea that there isn't someone for everyone. It's just compatibility and sometimes people don't stay compatible. I'm completely ok with never having that one person forever. As long as I have my family and friends around me, I don't really need anything else. I'll have children on my own as long as I don't become a worthless drifter. I say these things then cry on nye because I'm lonely for someone. My mind will fill in the blanks even if they are incorrect. Do I know the person for me? Again, I don't know if there is one.

This one dude actually told me that he was intimidated by me because I went to Vassar. Was my mom right all along?

I have no money. I have no job. I feel like a leech.

Everything seems to be telling me to work extra hard this year. I think I'll need to make a sign and hang it on my wall.

I don't think I'll be able to afford my bee tattoo. DAMMIT. I want it. I want it for all that it symbolizes and every aspect of it's beauty. I think it's stupid when people say, "but you won't be able to ever see it on your neck". It's not about seeing it or having anyone else be able to see it. It's about my family. It's about the natural order of things. That's something I want to carry with me forever, and I don't have to see it to know it's there.

I'm excited for the future, yet I am macabre.