Sunday, February 15, 2009

Patron Saint of Beekeepers

Did you know St. Valentine was the patron saint of beekeepers? Considering my relationship with said insect, you would think St. Valentine would take better care of me, but maybe I haven't made enough offerings or prayed enough to his name. Either way, I barely noticed that it was Valentine's day yesterday, only remembering when saying or hearing the words, "happy valentine's" and when I felt crippled by the sorrow of having yet another Valentine's alone. This time, the alone is more insidious than ever. I hold someone in my heart that is more dear to me than anyone before, nevertheless, I have no outlet to express this warm affection. I feel like a soda pop building up pressure- will I explode? will I settle into inaction? can the tension be released slowly? is there anyone skilled enough to do such a thing?

I am used to singledom- looking at faces passing by wondering if I might oneday know their body or their voice in a whisper. The search is what sustains me in absence of the real thing. Yet now, I have the real thing without any of the tangible benefits and only the emotional perversion of loving a ghost flickering through my memories never knowing when I might see him again. It's the uncertainty that is the hardest to maneuver. I have no end-date for my waiting which worries me... am I strong enough? I feel that Guy would wait forever, the wonderful reliable, dependable, steadfast man who loves me. But am I strong enough to do the same? Am I too lazy to actually maintain a relationship? I just want to absolve myself through the role of a victim of circumstance.

After all is said and done, Guy is still the only man I've ever met that allowed my mind to relax and stop asking questions all the goddamn time. He's the only man I've ever truly thought I could spend the rest of my life with. Now if only I could bring us together just by folding the map.

Otherwise, I am lazy. I don't do my work in a timely manner. i guess there is always the excuse of cutting hair and a canceled Monday class. Whatever. Tonight is the night.

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