Just imagine the lines at the Retreat on Chili Day...
Good morning,
The Vassar Health Service has issued an alert due to a mass food poisoning problem which began to surface over night. Several hundred students have contracted a severe case of food poisoning and the Health Service is currently overwhelmed by this occurrence. At about 4:00 AM students began to appear at the Health Service displaying symptoms of gastrointestinal disruption, severe blistering of the skin, and mental confusion. Additionally, as strange as this may seem, some students exhibited a severe inability to do math problems.
ALTHOUGH THE FOOD WHICH CAUSED THIS POISONING IS BELIEVE TO BE THE CHILI SERVED YESTERDAY IN THE RETREAT, ALL STUDENTS ARE ADVISED TO BE EXTREMELY CAUTIOUS ABOUT EATING ANY CAMPUS FOOD FOR THE NEXT FORTY EIGHT HOURS. NEW YORK STATE HEALTH AUTHORITIES ARE CURRENTLY ON CAMPUS TO INVESTIGATE THE PROBLEM AND THEIR REPORT IS EXPECTED BY THE END OF THE DAY. IF YOU ARE EXPERIENCING ANY OF THE SYMPTOMS DESCRIBED ABOVE AN EMERGENCY TREATMENT FACILITY HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED IN THE KENYON GYMNASIUM. ADDITIONALLY, BUSES HAVE BEEN ORDERED TO BRING STUDENTS TO MARIST WHO HAS OPENED THEIR FOOD SERVICE FACILITY TO ALL VASSAR STUDENTS
For the past several years the chili in the Retreat has been made by Chef Jesus Leyva, who stated he did nothing different to prepare the chili yesterday. He is as bewildered as anyone as to how the chili could be the cause of this outbreak. Jesus said, "everyone loves my chili. I don't know what could have gone wrong." The New York State Health Department has asked Jesus for a list of his ingredients but Jesus claims it is a proprietary matter and that revealing the recipe will jeopardize his job security. Jesus is probably right. The College knows how much everyone loves his chili and Cappy herself is dying to get her hands on the recipe.
If you have read this little missive and still believe a food poisoning outbreak has occurred on campus, then you obviously don't know that today is April first, otherwise known as April Fools Day.
Not sincerely,
Ray
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