Friday, March 14, 2008

Dreams



I woke up pretty early today with a thirst that could only be brought on by late night revelry and I got to have some breakfast with my mom. After vacuuming the steps, I thought I'd get a quick nap in before I started reading my History and I had the MOST FUCKED UP DREAM EVER. Here it is:

my mom and I are driving in our car (that was suddenly a convertible version) with me in the passenger seat when my mom almost attempts to make a left hand turn in front of this red sports car. I tell her to wait and recognize that the car is the Swordfish, the car Harrison, Harry, and Dane are taking across country. I wave at them and they stop next to us. Harrison gets out of the car, book in hand, to talk to me. He says that they decided just to forego the whole trip to Seattle because of all hassles they believe would be on the way.

Then I notice that Harrison has sleeves on both of his arms. I disregard one, grabbing his right arm saying "I haven't seen this yet". The tatt is two brown buildings with just the sparcest of black lines to suggest windows. There is a yellow moon above and grey smoke around the buildings and into the air. I remembered thinking that the smoke was kind of like the curls in Starry Night but also reminded me of the smoke in J. Alfred Prufrock. The style was all solid color in simple shapes on a solid black background. I said, "I like it". He replied in a low voice, "I love you". "huh?" "I like it too." "heh, ok."

I told him to call me about getting back to school and we got back into our cars to leave. I noticed that I then had his book in my hands.

Now at my house, my mother hands me the phone saying it's my dad. I answer and all I hear is his soft, garbled, post-stroke speech- I love you, goodbye. I ask him to repeat but there's no answer. Then a nurse picks up and in a hurried tone says, "Is he a top priority patient?" "I don't know. He's my dad." By the time I say "dad", I'm crying hysterically. The nurse quits talking and I run into the bathroom screaming, "Somebody talk to me!" I hear, "I can't find a pulse", then more silence. I scream and scream until finally I know it's of no use.

I look into the bathroom mirror and one of my front teeth falls out. I take it into my mother's room and she is not too impressed nor does she seem worried about my state at all. I go back into the bathroom and proceed to have all of my top teeth fall out. I'm still crying like mad- now not just because my father has most likely committed suicide but also because all of my teeth are falling out which I relate to being because I am so upset. I start trying to salvage what teeth are left up top, picking out the little bits of broken tooth stuck in my gums that have accumulated into a substantial pile on the countertop when I notice that some of my front teeth have reappeared. "Have they grown back?" I inspect them closer.

I wake up running my tongue on the backs of my top teeth.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Like the Dead Leaves Do



My stepsisters are picking me up today to take me to see my dad. I love them so much, I'm truly excited to see them. I hadn't really told anyone about my dad until this weekend was planned and I had to give the reason why I was skipping out on the last weekend before break. I don't like to complain or incite pity. I don't know what to expect when I see my dad. I hope that i don't get too emotional. Key word- too.

Thursday night was an adventure. Harrison, Noah and I took Geneva's car up to Harrison's house to pick up. Well, Geneva's car was sort of on it's last leg and after the water temp rose, the check engine light went on, we cooled the car down, the check engine light went off, then the temp went really low, and as we were on the off ramp- the battery light went off, the check engine light went off and we lost power steering. The car was dead. Kaput and smoking. Harrison's dad picked us up in his swanky car and they towed it to a local parking lot where the mechanic could get it in the morning. It was freeeeezing outside btw.

It was great to see Harrison's houses (his dad's and mom's). I love to know/see where people grow up. I think it has to do with the fact that our world views are so heavily generated by our landscape. My sentiments are the same about parents and siblings. I guess I like to understand where people come from--what shades their understanding and motivates their actions. The two things that leave large puzzle pieces unsolved in Harrison are his mother and his ex, Carolyn. Carolyn has sort of been a shadowy figure in my relationship with Harrison. She's always staring from some distant corner of Harrison's mind. They haven't spoken since they broke off their 5 year relationship. Her picture is everywhere in his different old rooms and scattered across family photos. It's weird to know that I am being compared to her. And only her. She's cute. Looks like the popular girl from Brick, but otherwise I know nothing of what happened between her and Harrison. One of Harrison's friends called and left a message where amoungst other things she said that he should call Carolyn. Ever since he's been a little off. I just don't want to lose to nostalgia.

Harrison's dad gave me a kiss on the cheek goodbye. hahaha. What a business man. Dave, his mom's boyfriend, was awesome.

NCOR is falling apart. Everything seems to be falling apart this year for the SAU. GODDAMMIT. I can't handle a position of responsibility. I hate being a treasurer. I hate being ineffectual. I hate letting people down.

I have a really painful ear infection. really painful. I'm doing everything I can medically to alleviate the pain and the problem but it persists at the moment sending shooting pains throughout my body. My left ear is the only poor working soul left of the pair which means I have no ability to sense WHERE sounds are coming from let alone hearing anything that's not extremely loud on my right side.

Due to a combination of stessors and pains both physical and emotional, I've really been in need of some TLC. Nothing beats your mother when you are miserable.




Dominique is in the hospital for brain surgery. I haven't spoken to her in ages. Haven't seen her in the same. There is so much emotion wrapped up in her for me that I don't know how to feel. But I feel sad and worried and terrible.

picture- Jorge Negrete. family represent.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Winter Vacation

Atlas Sound was tonight. I couldn't believe that Vassar of all places, Sam Bloch of all people got Bradford Cox and his cronies to come to Vassar and play. I was totally fanning out all night with my friend Kevin. It was nice to have someone else that was excited as I was. We were like little children. I was completely mesmerized by Bradford Cox's presence. There was some crazy story about how their keyboardist broke his foot and his last name is also Foote, and for some reason that meant that the drummer girl and the keyboardist were in Baltimore with all the Atlas Sound gear. I don't know the details, I'm sorry. I hope Bradford will blog about it soon to fill in the gaps. (deerhuntertheband.blogspot) Because of that whole incident, Bradford and Honey of Valet played on foreign gear and pedals supplied by Adam of White Rainbows. Also, this would be the first ever Atlas Sound solo show. Despite glitches, Honey and Bradford both played solid sets. Bradford actually played a Deerhunter song tonight (Spring Hall Convert) even though he "swore" he wouldn't. What was really weird about the night was that I saw my english teacher there. Harmon is definitely too cool for school.








someone has a lesbian crush? hahaha.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

My Ass Is Square From Sitting Here Idle

Things have definitely gotten better since last post.

My dad's surgery went really well- a quadruple bypass. I honestly think that my dad has a curse that terrible health problems should befall him, yet he is also blessed that none of things kill him. I guess that in the end, his diabetes et al will do him in, but as long as he sticks around for a little while longer, I'm happy. I haven't spoken to him since Saturday. I should really call him today as they might have moved him out of the ICU where I can't call into his room.

The whole Harrison thing has be alleviated. I just brought up that he was acting differently and we talked about it (sparsely, as guys usually are about such matters) but came to the understanding that we are both not really ready for a serious relationship and want to keep it light on the commitment. This point in my life is probably the worst to start in any kind of relationship considering the transience of college, but as I said to him, I'd rather have something that nothing- especially if I've found someone I care about. I'm trying not to think about things too much and just let it all happen, which seems to be the best idea. After our talk though, I think things have been better than ever. I guess it's wrapped up in the fact that neither of us have to live up to some unspoken expectations that don't really exist.

I've been putting off that Spanish paper all week and even as I sit here I am procrastinating. I have 280 words of 1000. But, I do have all day tomorrow to do it. THANKFULLY.



tonight is excepter!! woot!!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Too Much Melancholy

Things have been insaaanee. Honestly, a little too much for me to handle. I'm doing a good job at saving face, but sadly, I'm a mess over things.

1) my dad is in the hospital because of a heart attack. he goes in for surgery tomorrow at 830 in the morning. I was just starting to have a great relationship with him and I can't/ don't want to imagine losing him anytime in the near future. His father died in his, I believe, late fifties from a heart attack.

2) harrison has been sort of distant with me. I can't really handle relationships with people who aren't extremely affectionate like myself. I get paranoid. I feel like our status is always up in the air, and it drives me mad. Not to mention he's been passing out cold every night so I can't even get affection when we are alone together. harumph. I'm just hoping that issue #1 is making me overly sensitive and warping my perspective on this situation.

3) I killed my clover plant.

4) I have to write a four page spanish essay for this week and I have no idea. at all. I'm thinking about asking for an extension over next weekend.

5) I wrote a very sad story for my literary nonfiction class. it dug up old emotions.

At least today was fun. I was in Eliot's movie where I had to sloppily make out with two guys I had just met. hahaha.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Get Him Back


So, as Andres calls him- my main squeeze and I are doing well. I can't believe how everything happened so quickly. It's only been a week that we've been together but already I feel like we've been together for ages. It's just so comfortable. Earlier this week I had my first doubts and had my own little craziness, but I think it all has to do with the fact that I haven't been in a legit healthy relationship since highschool and even then it's never been this good. I don't know how to handle it and that's amazing. I've just been learning how to relax and take it easy. Maybe I shouldn't get ahead of myself too much... it has only been a week.

The one thing I have to do is make sure I get all my work done. That has to remain a priority.

Tonight should be an interesting adventure. Ferry Haus concert!!! Then I guess everyone is coming back to my room for funzies. hahah...

Heather and I always end up in these serendipitous occasions. Harrison and I woke up around 1120 so he could get to work and then Heather and I immediately went to get free Chinese food from the Chinese Dept. for lunar new year. We got there JUST in time as the food was being put out. Thanks to Dane for giving us the heads up and thanks to the universe for putting such amazing things in our path.

To quote Harrison, "Everything has been feeling better lately".

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Death of Industry


sometimes, thinking negatively yields positive results.

sometimes, i marvel at the ways things become.

here is a story that I wrote today spontaneously:

Don't abandon him, we thought with vivacious persistence, fists pounding knees in short passionate spurts. Intent on divining an answer, an apology, we strained our eyes wide like cartoonish exotic goldfish searching her porcelain face for tiny movements, mere twitches of facial muscle that might give her decision away. Soft colors flickered across our bodies as we sat lonely in the darkness.