My Teeth Have Been Sensitive Lately

My birthday was filled with crazy events... firstly, I just missed the train into the city. I watched it pull away- an image of defeat and disappointment.

Actually riding on the Metro North is always peaceful as the tracks skirt along the side of the Hudson River. The river's top layer of ice had sheered across itself pushing up jumbled angles of of thin, mirror like ice that collected into small groupings reminiscent of Islands- Return to the Sea.


To see Jake, Jes and Emily shuffling about with their cameras, being some of the biggest tourists but appearing to fit right in the NYC scene, made my heart explode- some of my favorite people in one of my favorite places. How spoiled am I! We walked with purpose during the day through Central Park hoping that our meanderings would take us to the Dakota, but I guess Trump has some kind of human magnet so we came out near Columbus Circle.

Admittedly, I was really cranky when we started perusing China Town. I had been a champ walking all over creation with my purse and sleep-over bag, but after I found a personal birthday gift, I had had it with the same tourist shop with slightly different things or at least a slightly different assortment. By the time we made it back to Emma's in Brooklyn, I was hungry and worn the fuck out. Emma made some killer stir fry and I met up with Sarah, my favorite cousin! Hooray for cousins!

We hung out at Emma's apartment watching Microcosmos and smoking our new presents before we mobilized to Williamsburg to ring in my 21st birthday. We went to the Brooklyn Ale House where I had a very strange, overly orange margarita and a, get ready, beer. They had a "winter white" on draft that I actually liked, so Jake bought be a glass in celebration. Personal note- my friends are crazy when they are drunk...hahahah... their faces are the silliest.

Getting home from the bar was an interesting excusion since we hopped on the wrong L that was just bouncing between bedford and some manhattan stop, but I did run into a dude named David from Yale who recognized Poughkeepsie for Vassar and noticed that I spoke spanish to a sleeping dude and inferred that I had been abroad in Latin America. Weird. When we switched to the right train, some dude was trying to get us to come to his place where we'd eat White Castle on his dime. Good thing a random Weirton-ite showed up to sing the Steelers Super Bowl song... I don't know how we could have been more obnoxious and ridiculous.

Guy called me on my birthday and made me cry all over Grand Central Station. Sometimes, it really, physically hurts to think about him... to not have him here. This pain reminds me of how deeply I care for him but also makes me worried... how long will I be so sorrowful? How long will I allow myself to be as such? Or, will something else stop the hurt?

Harrison saw my blog. He wanted to read it. I don't know. I would have to, at least, be in my room while he was in his room if he did read it. there is a lot of shit in here. A lot of shit that isn't very flattering of him.

Side note- WHY ARE WE HANGING OUT SO MUCH TOGETHER?! I think Harrison was put on this planet to make a blender of my hard head. I have known him for 1 year and six days. A year ago today we watched Royal Tennenbaums together. Oh no! my head is a blender set on liquify!!! my brain!!!! (i am a fucking retard)

Classes... yeah they are whatever... good. interesting... I'm not living up to my Maggie 4.0 initiative. I'm just a lazy fuck. Except when it comes to cleaning the house, then I am like the all star relay team leader.

Last night, I did realize that I need to design more often. My mind just works naturally that way... I don't need to struggle to string words together that sound lofty or academic. I can speak art and design. Why am I trying to speak otherwise?

btw, Beirut is tonight. fuckahs.

Back in the VSSR

Wow. I am so glad that I went abroad. It was such a necessary step away to catch my breath. Being in Mexico and moving into the new co-op has made things feel fresh and my classes will be a lot of work but are incredible: English Composition w/ Josh Harmon (!!!), Indigenous and Oppositional Media w/ Colleen Cohen, Aesthetics and Marginality in Latin America (spanish seminar) w/ Mario Cesareo (which is funny because I have to drop his ex-wife's class to take his), and 1968, a political science class w/ Katie Hite. I'm rekindling old friendships (Mike Dickerson!) and spoiled rotten with being located in the senior Town Houses.

There is one thing... Harrison. He's back and his bedroom window looks right at my kitchen window. Why do we always have to be living so close to one another? He's with Fern now... which is interesting. They are very much alike. It's weird because I felt like I couldn't express myself in Mexico with the whole language barrier thing, so now that I'm back in the US, I'm loud and quick with my quips. Harrison is definitely getting a lot of heat from me. I don't know how else to interact with him without feeling these horrible feelings- a mix of want, a mix of disgust.

I get to talk to Guy tomorrow, and then, all will be well. at least for awhile.

I've been playing the harmonica again. It feels so good to spit out some little ditties on the paths while I'm walking. I'm getting into a groove of being. hopefully.

SATURDAY! NYC! SMF! 21!

Fuck

I spilt coffee on my grandpa this morning.

it's like -4 outside.

The Weather Outside Is Frightful

So, it started out a pretty good day. I got to sleep in a little bit, took my time getting ready, picked up Jake to go to Ikea and Quaker Steak and Lube. We had a really great time checking out Ikea and pretending the set-ups were our apartments. I ended up getting two really cheap shelves and some stuff for the kitchen. I hope we have like actual cooking stuff... you know, like maybe a mixing bowl.

It started to snow on our way over to Quaker Steak where we had some awesome food. It was really nice to hang out with just Jake. I like having alone time with people. It's hard to connect when there are a bunch of other people hanging out too. I really like having personal conversations with people because, I feel that's the only way to really get to know someone. I don't consider people that I only know superficially close friends. I like to try and understand people's viewpoints, especially if I become friends with them. It's essential, I think, to understand the people around you because then you can accept their behavior because you know where it's coming from.

Well, the roads were pretty slushy/snowy on the highway with people driving as slow as 30 mph in some areas. I got Jake up his hill in second gear with a little trouble but nothing too scary. I parked at the top of the hill and decided to wait a little at his place so the snow and ice could melt when I saw the salt truck come around. When I went to leave, I stupidly tried a different road than I was used to because I thought it would take me to the least steep hill without having to turn around. Well, I soon realized that I was wrong and turned on a cross street to turn around or see if it lead me where I wanted. As I put my front end on a downslope of snow, I realized it was a driveway and not a way out. I tried to back up, but half my car was on a sheet of thick ice. I tried and tried and even had Jake's dad come down with salt and kitty litter to try, but we couldn't get out of the driveway.

Finally, I called AAA and went back to Jake's to wait for the tow truck. I was kinda freaking out the whole time this was happening and my mom was sounding super pissed while we were on the phone. It just sucked because she had the whole, "I told you thing" on her side... but honestly, other than that driveway- the roads were perfectly fine.

The story continues...

I'm sitting at Jake's watching top chef and my mom calls to say the bitchiest cop in town was called to my car because the people whose driveway I was stuck in tried to come home. I guess he talked to my mom and he dropped the citation. Well, while I was waiting for his call, the tow truck came. I walked down with Jake, and it was a simple job to get me out. Neighbors were waiting by my car and said that earlier a water line had broken causing the ice. My effin' luck.

Driving home was a cinch after that and I stayed inside...

While I was making myself some perogies for dinner, I pulled out a custard dish from the cabinet to put some bbq sauce in... I turn to put the dish on the counter, and I hear- CRASH! A class juicer fell from the top shelf and shattered all over the floor. I got a little sliver stuck in my finger while I was trying to clean it up. Again, my effin' luck.

I was so riled up that I had a little heated discussion with my mom about how she and my papa are probably going to stay the night in my new house at Vassar since they don't want to have to pay for a hotel room nor drive back to pittsburgh from poughkeepsie that day (it's a 9 hour drive). I understand the situation, but it's gonna really suck. I would like to hang out in my room that night with friends and do my own thing. Let alone telling a couple of my new housemates (who I probably have never met) that it's going to be a quiet saturday/first night back since my mom and grandpa will be staying over. It's just a weird situation to be in. uuugh

Well, I know I get anxious and worked up when shit like this happens, but I always know that bad/stressful things happen to me right before AWESOME things happen, so I guess I'll take it. Thanks karma.

Had a good conversation with my dad tonight. I miss him. I wish the past year hadn't happened to him.

Last night, I had a dream that Jason and I were flirting like mad. Also, Missy wouldn't tell us who she had gotten married to, so I knew it was Miles. UGH. WEIRD ASS DREAMS. At least I got to fly a helicopter.

La Empieza

I am mostly packed to go back to school. Weird. I hate seeing most of my clothes all jammed in my suitcase and a trunk full of other bs for the co-op I'll be moving into on Saturday. Soon, I'll have to dismantle the decorations in my room and remove my toiletries and whatnot from my vanity and the bathroom. I'm always stuck in awkward time periods of transition from one locale to another... with "home" usually being the place where I spend the least amount of time. It's more like a warehouse that happens to be located near my family and friends, disregard my childhood spent there.

Meanwhile, I'm getting seriously worried that all my stuff won't fit in the car (my papa's blue boat-like sedan). At least I don't fly to school where a crammed car would be the least of my worries.

At least I don't have any cavities either.

Jake had me buy and drop off a pack of cigarettes for him while he was working at Starfucks. The big news is that he now has a stalker. Someone sent a letter to his work saying that he hopes oneday fate will bring them together and inclosed was a ring with the word "fate" on it. It was signed "Preston". They called the cops, but not much can really be done with just a Pittsburgh postmarked letter. I joked that Jake was popular... he quipped, "only with weirdos". I hope nothing happens and this all blows over.

After I dropped the ciggies off with Jake, I went to Jon's to watch "Endgame" by Alex Jones . It's about the New World Order. Spooky, ey? I try to take things with a grain of salt, and I'm not one for conspiracies, but the documentary introduced me to a lot of disturbing things like the Bilderberg Group and the widespread Eugenics programs that existed in the US and abroad. I already new about the sterilization of Native people in the US and of course the Holocaust and Chinese genocides, but I didn't know that my own state had eugenics policy. I believe that Vassar has a building originally built for the advancement of Eugenics... I'll double check for you. Will there ever be a true one world gov't? I don't think I'll see it in my lifetime, but it's definitely a possibility. What I do know is capitalism has given life to these possibilities. In my personal view, capitalism is the root of our worldly problems because we are taught to seek individual advancement and wealth regardless of how we might better and enrich our communities. This applies to a global level.

Noah called me tonight about heading publicity for a project he and Harry cooked up- a two day music festival bridging the campuses of Vassar and Wesleyan. I agreed and was really impressed how my advice about school organization inclusion was answered by Noah with, "yep, already did." I'm excited to see where this goes and how successful or unsuccessful it becomes. What this means more generally for me though is, I have a pretty full plate this semester so I had better get on my A game and start running right out the gates.

I told Noah that our motto is "have fun and get shit done". Isn't that what it should be about? No use in half-baked projects.

Guy Is Officially Offline

so... guy is sitting in a costa rican airport talking to me on skype and waiting... patiently waiting to board his flight to cuba where he has no set living arrangements, no way of receiving money, and supposedly, finding food is not an easy task. Needless to say, I'm wracked with worry.

Now, he's getting offline to prepare for boarding. I am crying.

Why am I cursed to be lost in love? Usually, it's unreciprocated, but now, I am finally a part of a blissful couple... that isn't together locationally. He couldn't just be going back to England where the internet, postal service and telephones are easy access and generally reliable. No, he's going to spend a semester in Cuba, a place where I am legally prohibited to set foot. Can I call Cuba? Can I send a package or letter to Cuba? How can I maintain a relationship with someone in Cuba? I want to. I don't want to just give up, not with the one person that has given me hope for interpersonal relations.

Well, at least I don't have to babysit tonight. The roads are getting nasty.

Catching Up

Jason's life in a nutshell.


I seriously dig this photo. It's got such a psychedelic quality. You really get the energy of the party. Also, I just really enjoy Guy and Emily high-fiving with Justin's mug in the background.


dancing in the new year.


My mother thinks Emily is highly photogenic. I think so.


Silly Jacob in Emily's mustaches.

Guy left this morning. I was a total wreck at the airport, blubbering like a fool. The hardest part to our goodbye was the ominous sentiment that we may never see each other again. I understand that there will be some effort to keep in touch (as much as Cuba will allow us), but when will I see him again? When we are more settled in our lives years from now? Will we stay together? Will we be in new relationships? Will someone love me bigger than a space whale?

Año Nuevo

Me encantaba esta foto por Robert Capa. El estilo es divertido, exótico, y muy diferente de sus fotos de la segunda guerra mundial.

Guy está aquí pero no por mucho tiempo. Se irá el lunes. Soy feliz que he tenido tiempo con él, pero quiero más. No quiero que te vayas especialmente a Cuba donde no puedo visitar y donde es dificil a comunicarnos. Esa situación es extraña para mi por que él es increible, te amo mucho pero mi instinto de conservación retorcido está diciendome que necesito enfocarme en sus defectos y las cosas que me molestan. Todo es para que esté distante y indiferent cuando necesite estar sola, sin él y quizas si necesite terminar la relación. A pesar de mi actitud fatalista, quiero quedar con él y ver donde vayamos.

Tuvimos una fiesta en el sótano de mi abuelo para el Año Nuevo. Fue increiblamente naca en plata y oro. El nuevo novio de Linze, Rob, es fantástico y vino a la fiesta en una camiseta pintando de oro. Para "Amigo Secreto", Jes me dio "Earth Girls Are Easy" en DVD, una cubierta para llave de un nube, y un sombrero en arco iris. Todos nosotros nos divirtimos mucho.

Ayer, fuimos al museo de Carnegie para el International. Me gustó mucho y tomé fotos con mi cámara de Guy (es formato mediano). Ojala las fotos sean bastante interesante.

Estoy emociante para regresar a Vassar. Un semestre afuera fue importante para mi mente y me preparó para regresar con nueva energía y motivación. Será intereste a ver como cambien mis amigos y Vassar en general.