In Corners

I'm becoming more and more disgusted with myself. I feel like I have no self control.

I've plateaued with my weight.

I'm back and forth with my sentiments towards Harrison. I can't seem to keep myself on track when around him. The time off will be a welcomed eraser. I've realized that the reason I'm bitter about things is not because of missing him or wanting him but the fact that I just want to make people happy and I try to love unconditionally but I always get burned in the process. It's very distressing. He's a confusing person that will never be able to see from a different perspective. I don't know if he can sympathize. I want his attention because I want someone's attention and even though, as I look back, it wasn't perfect when we were together, it was goddamn something and I convinced myself that I was happy.

I can't get my work done. I hang out all day, complain about work, don't do my work, and hang out some more. What am I really getting out of it? I don't know. Things will be very different when I get back from summer and abroad. I know I'll be surprised to see what the scene evolves into... or degenerates into.




I could never be mistaken for asleep when we were together.



I'm worried about my mom. She's quitting Apple and I don't know how bills will be paid. Honestly. She says that she'll be able to hustle in the shop and then dedicate time to her art. I hope she does but I'm concerned in the meantime... she said that another reason to quit was so I could have access to the car when I babysit. I hate having to always worry about money. It's so stressful. I guess that's something that grates me with the 119 crew. So many privileged people. I miss my mother.

Someday

If one looked at my room and looked at me, they would agree- we are wreck. My curtain got ripped partially down the other night, my floors are crumby, dusty and shit is splayed all over them. I need to move some shit around, I've decided.

I haven't finished a paper that was due on thursday. I just can't seem to get my motivation back into gear. The weather is so nice. There are adventures to be had. My mind and soul are completely drained from the semester. Too much emotional distress to be asked to handle three months of obligatory learning. I have a problem with obligations. If I feel like I'm obligated to do something, I don't want to do it and don't care about not doing it. I'm sure someone will say it's because I'm an anti-authoritarian anarchist hippy.

My other problem is that I just want to get back to my friends at home. The group I've found at Vassar this semester is probably the most cohesive to my personality, but I still feel like there is something missing. The SMFers know me so well, we all understand each other. These are the people that I've crafted the majority of my identity along side. How can I not want to surround myself with them? How can I not feel out of place when I've already found a niche? I'm just really excited to be able to spend the whole summer at home. I haven't been able to settle into a routine there since high school. I'll be babysitting and chilling all summer long. thank god. I've even dedicated myself to reading theory.

I'm glad that I don't have to come back to Vassar next semester. It's a needed break. I think by spring I'll either be totally ready to get back or totally disenchanted with college. At least I have those amazing classes to look forward- a poli sci on 1968, indigenous and oppositional media, native american women, and hopefully a kick ass seminar.

Yesterday, in my continued procrastination, I went to Storm King with a bunch of the kids. If it hadn't been so windy, it would have been super amazing but it was only the sculptures that were amazing. I really love Alexander Calder. It seems like everything he touches turns to gold. I think my favorite part of the whole trip yesterday was eating thai for dinner. I love thai food and haven't had it in so long that it hurt my soul.

Pam told me that deja vu is actually a minor seizure. Also, my deja vu is actually called something else because I "feel" the scene familiar and can actually remember my deja vus. Crazy ass shit. Crazy ass shit.

The past two nights, I don't know how, but I've gotten drunk. I think we all need to get drunk more often because everyone has been lovey dovey, dancey, and super chilled out. I had to actually go lie down last night in the middle of hanging out because I was fucked up. But in a good way.

Harrison is asleep in my bed. He was following me around this morning. I miss the way we were but I'm alright being the way we are- just friends.

Place to Be

Yesterday was Heather's birthday so I went on a trip with her and some of our new friends. The day was gorgeous but we sat in limbo for much of the afternoon waiting to get our tickets and leave. Everyone was getting frustrated and I think it really affected my time once we got going. I felt critical and paranoid like I never had before. I don't know if it was just from the previous sentiments of the day or because of who I was with, all of which have never affected me before I saw some of the most beautiful things--clouds swimming and shimmering in the evening light, kaleidoscopes of bodies and upholstery, drawings of flickering intensity. I saw Russell flip his bike. I saw a hawk snatch a small animal. We were a pack of gypsies. I found my perfect sandwich. I found a tree with a million perfect perches. I am very much like a cat. Fickle like my cat.

My overall mood after our trip is reserved and poignant. I think that I need to enter a selfish phase. Not selfish like a spoiled child, but selfish with my time and selfish with my energy. I want to do more for myself by myself. I feel like I ought to learn how to be independent of other people since I base my existence and mental & emotional health on my interactions with others. How will I survive in Mexico let alone in the great big "real world" if I can't be alone?

I'm still obsessive over Harrison in the sense that I'm still in the "stalker" stage- I know where he is at most times, constantly have an eye on him, get jealous, etc. However, I really don't want to be with him anymore. I feel like we could have been a really great couple, maybe someday in an alternate reality we could/will, but I don't find the urge to touch him, kiss him, love him like I did. Geneva told me that it takes males till they are 28-30 to fully myelinate the connections of the prefrontal cortex where we reason inhibitions and consequences of our actions. This causes men to be more reckless in youth. Harrison, your prefrontal cortex is not myelinated enough for me. I also thought of this phrase for my notebook of drawings- As your hidden body becomes unwanted territory, I think of all I have to give and maybe should keep it to myself.

Blahness

blah blah blah. life is the same. blah blah blah. i have lots of work due. lots of fun planned. trying to get over harrison, and as long as I have jack herer I might be able to stay positive enough to do it. I told him that I didn't know if I could be his friend after all is said and done then immediately rescinded because I felt bad. I think he and Rowan are going to get back together. I'll be bitter until I'm not, so whatever. I hate financial aid and all the other bullshit things I have to do between now and friday. Heather's birthday is saturday and scotty d isn't coming to visit. I'm sad about the latter, but it was going to already be a jammed packed weekend especially with three written assignments due next week. balls. I should be working. I went to the Disco Biscuits. It was a good time but now I have bruises from sleeping on a basement floor, bizarrely enough.

I'll Get To You Somehow

My mom didn't get the Oprah contest. Man, I was so bummed. Nothing seemed to be going my way. What a terrible curse the McPeakes have. Luck is right under our nose but ever elusive. She deserved it. She deserves something amazing to happen for her.

I'm so jealous. I'm in that weird stage of getting over Harrison where I'm definitely not over him emotionally but mentally, I am. I just want his attention back. It was the day of my last post when he kissed my forehead, but today he kissed my head and fingers. He's been so pensive lately. I pretend that he's deciding to be with me. Like he would have some sudden change of heart. But his actions maintain his normal sentiment regarding women. Or maybe he's settling in with Rowan? Who knows. He confuses me. All men do. I just don't want to allow him to string me along, but I know that I have to make the shift away. Everyone seems to be finding excitement, and I'm stuck in the doldrums just barely gaining optimism.

I did a photo shoot on Saturday. I was topless for most of it because the shoot was models covered in different accessories so they wanted pretty much no visible clothing. It was the first time that I had ever modeled and I was quite nervous. People said that my pictures were good and I don't know how I feel about it. It's like, wow, I should eat this up. I never had a great body image growing up so it's hard for me to believe that I'm pretty or whatever especially with all these skinny chicks bouncing about. I'm interested to see what the pictures look like.

I talked to my advisor about what's been going on this semester with my dad and everything, and she was very sympathetic. She told me that I could take as much time as I needed to get my work done because of my distraction. That whole day was like therapy. I talked with everyone.

I can't stop listening to the Beatles.

Don't Be Afraid

haha. I love German psuedo-sisters.

So, Harrison and I are just friends now? I don't know what's really going on because we act so strange around each other. I think he's getting a little annoyed that I don't distance myself more. But then he comes over and gives me a kiss on the forehead. I feel like I'm being walked over, but i'm not doing anything to stop it either. I wonder how long this phase will last. For years?

My mom hasn't heard from Oprah. FUCK. I'm so nervous. I don't know what's gonna happen. I want her to get this so badly. She deserves so much more.

I'm so done with school. This is bad news.