BLAH (bleck)

my blog has deteriorated into meaningless bullshit. that poem was sooo crappy about the pen. that pen does have a lot of sentimental value but not to warrant such a dribble of "so many ways". My brain has been haywire and I'm not sure if there is a cure or if it's some passing phase called "burned the fuck out". I guess that I just need some mental exercise. You know, get limber so I can go the distance in the vocabulary olympics next semester. I'll be in a class with so many people that I know that I need to stay on my game, you know make a good impression on my friends. friends. heh.

I can't wait to go to xalapa. shellaca.

the v-friends are retarded. it's come to my attention that the proper course of action is a slow and effective phasing out of group activity. it's just sad and disappointing. individual attention is ok. the other option is sort of queer because I feel kinda like that way older person that still hangs out with the kiddies. but, i guess that I'm just being a little silly. Damn it feels good to be back though. "A breath of fresh fucking air" is all I have to say. My mom and I are better than ever, and the friends are like a comfortable sweater- warm, fuzzy, not to tight but not too loosey goosey, dependable, makes you feel good just to wear, just your taste. oh the simile.

new glasses make the world go round. mr. mcgoo.

Going to the dentist equaled three things today- three cavities (that's one item in the list, mind you), more praise for xalapa, and a possible summer job. what is that job, you ask? babysitting my dentist's three young children. oh, the joy. They've known me forever, I'd practice spanish with them, I love kids, and I'm fun! woo! cutting it down to the bottom line, the mother and father are both successful dentists and that means getting well paid. I'm sure I'll cry and moan about it when/if I actually am doing it, but I love kids a whole lot and that's a nice job for the summer. no effin' taxes either.

my bowl broke. my watch broke. jes says it comes in threes and that is frightening.

now starts the projects- anthro theory book, purse, skirt, artwork, ep? what next?

Highschool was fun.

hehehe.

Adjudication

this week has been pretty chilled out, I suppose. I got my papers written and turned in with time to spare on wednesday, and I've been rearranging the room slowly since. the new arrangement, I think, will really enable exponentially greater chilling. heh. it already has.

I jammed with dan and andres yesterday. that was nice. I love to jam. mmm. I have been missing a lot of things from home and one of them is the jamming aspect. that and the art, but I did just pull out the watercolors yesterday. I guess the moral of the story is, do the things you like and don't wait for other people to do them with you.

it snowed almost a foot yesterday. it was magical.

I had this huge blowout today. I felt bad that the only person who really got the whole shpeel was Maggie and Mike only heard me allude to the unhappiness... but well... whatever. I leave on tuesday.

next semester will be better, I think. even better.

oh, and I got really drunk at my professor's house off nice white wine. amen.

This is Ground Control to Major Tom

done for a week with final shit. and all I can think of is how triumphant the middle section of Space Oddity by David Bowie is. right after he makes it through the atmosphere.

This is ground control to major Tom
You've really made the grade
And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear
Now its time to leave the capsule if you dare

This is major Tom to ground control
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today

tomorrow, I have to get some stuff done and then it's time for a peru reunion. maybe I'll convince eliot to hang out with me for a change. harumpf. thursday, oh thursday! I'm going to rearrange my room. it's almost like a catharsis for the craziness i've been feeling this semester. onto better things. so it goes.

Final Time

classes ended officially today. I cannot believe that Palmer put on such a show to try and squeeze some pitiful good evaluations from us. it was CARAZY. we had to do a call and response randomly with our eyes closed- "We are all together sitting in this room". Excuse me? Long story short, she got the worst review I've ever given. I am so glad to be free from that class. All that's left is the stupid paper that I have to write. FUCK. I don't have a lick of research collected or processed. I'm thinking all of Sunday will be research and organization of the paper then monday and tuesday will be time to write and edit before it's due on Wednesday. In the meantime, I have to write my History final. So far so good. I need to try and get one of the essays (the final is a two parter) mostly done tonight so that tomorrow all I have to do is write like a page and a half and then write the other one. Welcome to the work zone. I'll be here until Wednesday at 445 most likely.

I've been working obsessively on a code. I'm really trying to make it sophisticated and evolved. Karin better love it.

The snow has already started. I can't believe it. We didn't get snow until Valentine's last year. WTF.

Catalyst is out, and I think people have really liked it. I'm sure there are some people who think it's lame, but I don't really care about them. hahah. Just one less stressor in my life.

I can't wait until I'm done with these papers so I can rearrange my room. I've got a pretty good set up in mind and I'm just itching to start. I think it'll really help to create a more cohesive hang out area/ better section off the room. The flow is just lacking right now.

Can't wait to get home!

Sure

I was on the phone with my mom last night, and she said that she had had a vision earlier that day. She saw that I was going to meet someone before the end of the year. He would have soft curly, brown hair. My mother also said that she is just hopeful as a mother that her daughter will meet someone special. I can understand that. I, as a daughter, hope that my mother will meet someone nice soon. Recent attempts haven't been so hot for either of us. What a pair! Mother and daughter on the prowl yet so inept.

My brain is just getting frazzled with the end of the semester. I have no idea what it'll be like next semester. This semester was kind of a joke. Harumph. I just keep diverting my attention to next year when I'll be studying in Xalapa. Better times in the future, I say.

Things just aren't working out.

A Calm Before the Storm

I woke up and didn't realize it had snowed. It was one of those startled realizations when I was checking things online and kept seeing references to snow and whatnot. Needless to say, winter has arrived but I still have this silent hope that there will be another crazy warm period like there was last year over winter break, but then again, we didn't see snow until Valentine's day.

The weekend was a slow one. You can already see the cold keeping people indoors not willing to venture for the party crawl/search. I've never been that into it but it's even less appealing when you have to walk for fifteen minutes in the cold- especially if you aren't sure if something is going on or not. I miss the warmer weather. I'm not talking summertime heat, just like 50° at night- 70° during the day. Perfect!

I can't wait for the semester to end, but I have so many bullshit trifles to take care of before then. I can't wait until I'm done being a treasurer and have to apply for JYA. Almost done, though. Almost done.

My goals for when I get home are as such:
find a job
work at said job
read anthro theory book
learn the harmonica
practice my bass and sax
make some clothes
make a book
write more poetry
record some music
get my tattoo!!

stuff I have to do before I get home:
JYA proposal
ideal budget form
10 page psych paper
history final
linguistics final
faulkner response

two weeks left.

Wreckage

Catalyst is almost done!! so happy!! The semester is almost over, and I can't wait to get home already! i just have to get stupid JYA shit together. That's my only worry at the moment. Maybe I should be paying more attention to the presentation I have to give tomorrow that I haven't started. ho hum.

Spent some alone time with the boy last night. It was nice to just be friends. I mean, it would be nicer if we were more but I'll accept what I can get because we do make good friends. again, ho hum.

wrote a poem today in faulkner lecture about this crazy feeling I had while I was at my dad's.

it's a sudden recognition-
the feeling of inertia pulling at your atoms
momentum shifting, waking you from a moving slumber.
waiting for impact,
I free my hands from my pockets,
grip my possessions thinking I could save them.
waiting for the crunch of metal,
the snapping and twisting of structure
like bumper cars and battering rams.
just beyond the bend I'll see the lights in my window
limbs flailing like ribbons in the wind.
but the vision was second handed
before me is wreckage and I am still moving.

yeah, I had this vision of a car hitting us broad side and it felt real. it was crazy, but then we turned around the bend in the road and there was a fairly fresh wreck at the intersection. weird!!

Frustration

I'm doing the layout for a magazine here at Vassar and it's taking forever. Why? because people are killing me. The editor of the magazine is not doing his job at all right now when I need him the most. Layout is due on Friday and I JUST got a submition that someone had sent him in October. ARGH. I guess I signed up for this... but I didn't sign up for the run around. I'm also a little worried about the lack of female submitions. The three we do have are photographs and a recipe. How's that for gender roles? Let the men tell you how it is and how it should be while the girls will take some pretty pictures and tell you how to make soup! it's vegan too!

Being at my dad's this weekend for thanksgiving was a real treat and break. I got to see so many people that I love- it was a real battery. It wasn't until today when I sat down to my computer and started thinking about the work I have ahead that I started to feel out of sorts again. But, I'm doing my best and not letting myself get down right now. If not getting down means being mad... then so be it for the moment.

I love my wife. I love my wife.

Un Dia de Gracias

Thanksgiving is such a hoax. Created by Lincoln about an event that never really occured. Even if the Native Americans did bring the pilgrims food to help them survive the next winter, what did they get in return? Do I even need to list the atrocities?

Maybe I've been indoctrinated by my Native American Studies courses and lectures over the past year and a half, but I feel as though days like today and Columbus day need to be reevaluated. I do not think that Thanksgiving needs to be abolished. I think it needs to be converted into a day where little children don't color in images of indian braves and stoic pilgrims. It should be based soley on being thankful for the outright spoils we, as Americans, take for granted. Just the fact that millions of people can afford to have a day off to over eat is a priviledge.

More importantly, we should be mindful that there are people in our own country of plenty that are without and cannot afford to splurge on a new centerpiece this year. This year for Thanksgiving, my mother and grandfather volunteered at the local Presbyterian church handing out meals. Tonight they are having a modest meal together, actually being thankful for the life they lead. Sadly, I could not be with them this year as I am spending the holiday with my father.

I guess the summation of this rant reduces down to two things:
1) The subjigation of the Native Americans is real. It is present. Do not celebrate acts of white supremecy and domination.
2) Be thankful that you are alive and well. You are reading this blog, so no matter how you want to look at your life, you are priviledged enough to have internet access and the free and idle time to read this.

peace, love and mindfullness,
M

Oppression Sucks

We had to do a free write in Psych today. I actually liked her today, but then again, we weren't really learning much as usual. This is what I wrote.

Speaking of Trivialities and social Constructs
as though we ought Not to be Caught up in their Presence
What would we Talk about if they Just Disappeared?
love? Stories of Childhood?
What builds us Up instead of Oppresses?
but they Exist
we Make them exist by Giving in
we must think Critically and lay It all out
for once we Desensitize the word
it Loses its Power.

i find myself in this limbo state of becoming so annoyed with people who are overly critical and constantly searching for the oppression in statements and actions yet becoming frustrated with people that completely overlook that there are statements of oppression in our lives. in the end, i realize that it's better to be overly critical than not critical at all because that way you'll at least be questioning the system and burgeoning change and growth.

above is a sketch I did in my Faulkner lecture.

In Blackness, Without Sound

step inside and shut the door.
sealed in darkness and in warmth.
floating independent of foundation and wall.
simply existing by the sense of touch-
terry nubs soft and thick,
linen and merino wool.
the softest skin against my skin
in blackness, without sound.


written after a trip in my closet. I was super preoccupied with the idea of losing existence when only you can sense yourself (hearing your own breath, feeling your own body) and how people only really exist because we can sense them. my closet can be pitch black once you shut the door, so if someone else is in there with you, you have to rely on touch, sound, and scent to manifest them. Also, there are of course tons of clothes in my closet that created an overload of a single sensory experience. I really do recommend this kind of personal sensory experiment. You never realize the pleasure of your senses until you isolate and appreciate them.

Synthetic/Organic

This is my first post, obviously. I've never been great at keeping blogs. I hope to use this for my musings, posting photos, poems, and whatever else hits the spot. Hopefully I'll learn how to post mp3s. Sharing is nice.

Here's a poem I wrote about a month ago.

induced to love all around,
spellbound by triplets and chords.
feeling of sparkles like medicine candy,
knowing the end is near and
welcoming me open armed.
simpleness divided by clutter and culture.
letting it all go to become one,
become one. become one.

wanting to love,
slick slippery love
like warm rolling hills
of misty morning bliss.
crimson fingertips of petally touch
blossoming natural love-
the essence of lust,
coupled with devotion.

I was rolling and had the urge to create. I was just so enamored with the world at the moment that even things like "clutter and culture" and "the end" that often haunt me and create disharmony in my life could not stop me from adoring every last bit of life. Clutter being assigned to all that clogs our minds and hearts and even literally space and keeps us from living to the fullest. The end of the first stanza, "become one", helps to illustrate my view that as people we should look for commonality and attempt to work together by accepting the "clutter and culture" rather than building walls and creating imaginary segments amongst ourselves. The last stanza calls attention to the synthetic aspect of my "love" in the first stanza (induced to love... medicine candy) and shifts to how I want to feel real organic love.

peace love and solidarity,
M